I’m looking for outside perspective because I’m really struggling with this.
Early 2024 I was wrapping up a brutal divorce and custody battle. During that time, I met a woman who was also separated from her husband. We bonded over going through similar situations, supported each other, and eventually started dating.
At the time, I justified the relationship because I believed we were both in the process of ending marriages and trying to rebuild our lives.
The difference is: I actually followed through and finalized my divorce. She never even started hers.
She and her husband have lived separately for a long time. They’ve both dated other people. By all appearances, the marriage is over except on paper. But despite years passing, she still hasn’t filed.
She now lives with me, and this has become a serious issue for me mentally and emotionally.
I’ve told her multiple times that I don’t want to keep moving forward in life while she is still legally married. I’ve put things on hold because of it:
-Buying a home
-Big vacations / traveling internationally
-Fully blending families
-Planning a future together
I don’t want to build a life with someone who is still another man’s wife. I realize I had tunnel vision and justified starting a relationship with someone still legally married at the time because of my own status. I truly thought we would have progressed beyond this point by now.
Whenever I bring it up, she gets dismissive or annoyed and says things like “I know,” “I’m working on it,” or “I’ll deal with it.” Then nothing happens. Days become weeks, weeks become months.
What made sense in the beginning no longer makes sense now.
If she says she loves me and wants to be with me, why avoid finalizing the divorce? Is it fear, laziness, unresolved attachment, financial reasons, or something else?
At this point I feel stuck, lied to, and resentful. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve wasted time waiting for someone who has no intention of truly closing that chapter.
Am I being unreasonable for making this a boundary now? What would you do in my position?
TL;DR: Started dating a separated woman while I was also divorcing. I finalized mine, but years later she still hasn’t even filed for hers. She now lives with me, and I feel stuck because I don’t want to keep building a future with someone still legally married.