hii! i actually posted here a few months ago asking for help with how to navigate a situation with my boyfriend’s mom. there’s been some…other concerns that have popped up and i’m looking for more guidance on how to deal with it
for a little context: i am 19, my boyfriend is 21. he was homeschooled k-12 and got his first job at 21 which is how we met, and he currently lives with his parents. the previous thing i asked advice on was his mother’s hesitance to let us have alone time together. she also made a nasty comment towards me which i did mention to my boyfriend and she has since apologized for.
(for privacy i’ll call my boyfriend adam, his mother cindy, and his dad chris)
the thing that is a big concern right now is how his parents treat adam’s money.
adam lives with them, he always has. that by itself is not an issue for me because i know how hard it is to find a place to live right now. the issue is that because he lives at home, adam’s parents treat adam’s money like it’s their money.
adam still does not have a car, every car he’d been looking at just didn’t work for whatever reason. so he’s been looking into buying a brand new car for himself (not my personal choice for a first vehicle but that’s his decision). his parents also need a new car as theirs is on its last leg.
honestly even typing this out is making me mad again. adam gave his parents $3500 to help buy them a car. cindy doesn’t work, but chris does. and i know how much chris makes because we work at the same place, and i know he could afford that.
long story short, chris is not financially responsible at all. he spends a shit ton of money on liquor, he’ll go out to eat expensive dinners on his own, he’ll buy shit he doesnt need, stuff like that. cindy is in charge of the budgeting but honestly, cindy and chris don’t like each other so chris does not listen to her or stick to the budget.
because of this, they treat adam’s money like it’s theirs because he lives there. cindy is awful at paying him back and currently owes him $1k and when i ask adam about it, he doesn’t really say anything other than “that’s how she is.”
his parents don’t charge him rent because they want him to stay with them in order to save up money. i can’t fault that logic but what i can fault is the fact that they don’t want him to move out until he has $50k saved, which is just so incredibly unrealistic unless he stays with them for another three years. and personally, i cannot date someone who will be almost 25 that still lives with their parents and has never lived with anyone but their parents. additionally, if they don’t want him to leave until he has 50 grand saved but they keep asking him for substantial amounts of money, will he ever be able to reach the goal his parents set for him?
ive mentioned to adam that now that he set emotional boundaries in place with his parents it might be good to start setting monetary ones. honestly, he hasn’t been very receptive to the idea and just kind of shrugs it off. i think he’s scared to stand up to his parents in this way, he’s not a confrontational person at all and has a really hard time even bringing up small things between us. he’s gotten better with it but i don’t think he’s at a point where he can really stand his ground.
i’m worried that if he doesn’t start standing up for himself and pushing for his independence that he’s never going to get out of his parent’s house. he’s a very smart person, but because cindy homeschooled him and didn’t do it well, he lacks a good k-12 education. because of that his parents haven’t even mentioned things like college.
after talking with him, it seems like something he really wants to do but thinks that he can’t because of his parents. it’s so disheartening because i know that he is smart and is capable of more. but how do i get him to see really how much control his parents have over him?
i’ve been gently suggesting therapy to him just so he has someone else that’s not involved to talk to, but i’m not sure if he’ll go see a therapist because his parents don’t believe in it.
i really like adam, as a person and as a partner and i do not want to lose this relationship because his parents are so routinely overbearing. is there anything else i can do here? do i just have to step back and watch it happen?
honestly, anything helps :3