The short version is my parents are beginning the divorce process in their 60s and that is objectively great news. They're so toxic and bad for each other, but there's no way to dissolve a four decade relationship without things getting much, much worse for a significant amount of time.
They're both absolutely devastated and so, so lonely and I just feel sick. I can't help them even if I was foolish enough to try, and it hurts knowing how much they hurt. I'm a grown ass adult, I haven't been dependent on them in a long time, I should not be this affected by their stupid long overdue breakup.
But I am because of my stupid over developed self abusing empathy. It's bullshit. I hate it. It's not productive, it doesn't help, this shit isn't about me. Why does my nervous system act like every pain endured by someone I love is a personal threat? Stupid narcissistic ass nervous system. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. WE ARE FINE. CALM DOWN.
Anyway it's my birthday tomorrow and I feel weird and sick and bad and have to spend it taking care of my parents because gods know they don't have the skills and saying no and doing something nice for myself while they're sad and lonely and in turmoil would hurt me so much I qualify it as an act of self abuse.
Fucking bullshit. It's not fair that I can't turn this shit off without some form of substance abuse.