u/Biscuitbutter39

Context. My wife and I got married young after dating for several years. Yes, we were minors when we started dating. It has been more than a decade now. We do not have children.

We didnt know who we were. I dont know if we even do, but we were certainly not who we are now.

We are white and in a straight passing relationship, which comes with a LOT of social benefits that a lot of people do not get.

I spent so much of my adult life sacrificing my own happiness to provide for her. I made sure she wouldnt ever have to go to bed in a car, or hungry, or in dirty clothes again. Everything I did was to make her happy. That was my purpose (even tough I realize now, that isnt healthy)

Poly was something we talked about off and on for a number of years, but we didnt find the right people. That is, until about 2 years ago. After some serious discussion and a lot of communication, we decided to open.

She had a few dates with various people and eventually found her current partner. It took me a bit more time to actually come to terms with everything and I had a bit of a rocky start.

I now have two partners of my own, and through my relationships with them, I see so many of the things that are wrong in my relationship with my wife.

We have had plenty of struggles and gotten through them together. She was my rock for over a decade. But now, I see how she is with her other partner and how she is with me, and I feel like I am only weighing her down. She is very obviously not happy in our marriage, and honestly neither am I.

But, I have a well paying job. I am able to provide for us and her partner to have a house with enough space. There is food in the freezer and gas in our cars (which in this economy, is not a given, but i have worked myself to the bone and further to get there) if I leave, they will not be able to provide for themselves.

I still love her, so much, and it kills me that I dont feel that reciprocated. I feel that I am being used, and she is only keeping me around because I can provide a comfortable life for her.

She has what she wants, and more. I am scraping what I can off of what is left.

I know what the answer is, but I am unwilling to accept that that is the only answer.

I want to scream and tear it all down.

I want to stay silent and die, knowing that itll buy her another few months of security.

It would be so easy to just abandon the life I have built and have the people who even want to sit next to me on the couch to watch tv.

It would be so easy to have what would make me happy and fulfilled.

But that comes at the cost of throwing the person I have built my life with to the wolves, even when she has already thrown me to them more times than I can count.

I see show she looks at her, and I cant remember the last time she looked at me the same way.

I see how I look at my other partners, and see a mirror reflecting back all of the love and compassion I need.

Am I broken?

Why is it so hard to accept that i married the wrong person...

Maybe I didnt, and the trauma that binds us together has broken something in each of us and it could be fixed.

Maybe I am delusional, expecting something from someone who left a long time ago, and who just keeps cashing the check because it is convenient.

We arent compatible, I have known that for a very long time. So has she. We dont want, need, or even like most of the same things.