When I was a kid I was a girl. I played with the boys and sometimes wanted to wear boys clothes, but was also friends with all the girls and loved pink, fairies, fashion, and glitter. Being a girl was never a problem and I was a super happy kid.
Then as puberty started I slowly became more withdrawn and depressed. I started to hate myself and my appearance without knowing why. Eventually it felt like when I looked at myself in the mirror that it was my face on someone else’s body. Objectively I knew I looked pretty, and if I covered my face I agreed. The issue was that I was looking at me and something about it was wrong.
I realized I was trans when I was 13, only after becoming suicidal. I slowly explored my identity, came out, and transitioned. What really helped my mental health was getting top surgery when I was 17. I finally didn’t feel uncomfortable merely existing in my own body.
I like being a guy (obviously otherwise I wouldn’t have transitioned) and after surgery and hormones my mental health is doing great (Ignoring the state of the world lol) I feel like myself and sometimes I still get happy when I look in the mirror and find myself looking back and not a stranger with my face.
The thing is if I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t have had to deal with all that. I wouldn’t have spent five years of my life unable to escape the looming desire to die, never being able to feel truly and completely happy.
I look at photos of myself as a kid and hate that my body took that joy from me. If I was cis that never would have happened. I know that if society were different maybe I could have known earlier, been easily accepted, and transitioned earlier and easier, but that isn’t what happened.
I know I have the rest of my life to be happy living as a man, but I still feel as if part of my childhood was stolen from me and I hate that.
TLDR; I was a happy little girl then puberty happened and I was suicidal for years because I while being a girl was fine, becoming/being a woman was NOT and if it was then I would have been happier growing up.