u/BimmyTHICC

I don’t hate myself. At least I don’t think I do. But I would much rather be dead than feel the way I do as of now. I’m 22. Moved to a city to pursue a ministry. I’m a youth pastor for a church. I don’t get paid. Purely for the love of the game man. Felt like this was the move. Had so much passion. Grit. Now? Oh I’m all out. As far as I can tell. I’m so cynical towards everything right now. My job makes me want to blow my head clean off. I envision it, like actually fantasize about offing myself. I work for Publix. The way they treat me. And I can barely afford to live where I’m at because of the inconsistent hours. And lousy pay. I’m in college. I’m studying psychology to become a therapist. I’m also studying to become a certified personal trainer. Feels like all the odds are stacked against me. And the up and down nature of my emotions are taxing. In order to maintain my sanity so I don’t snap at anyone I convince myself I’m not a coward so I go to work or fulfill ministerial duties which is work itself, just to feel like it’s all for nothing. I’m suffering. I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never ever good enough. I don’t even wanna be rich dude. I just want to live. But I feel as if I’m hanging by a thread. I feel like a liability to myself and others. At this point, I think I’m just spewing. So much to say, but too much to put here. Just struggling. Had to get it out there.