I failed to launch after highschool. Passive suicidality etc. typical stuff. I'm 26 and just finished my first year of college. Got a job I hate. Life is definitely moving in a direction. I'm not as depressed and numb as I used to be.
I just don't know how to have fun, or have friends. All I do is study and train and work, and when I have free time I don't know what to do. I feel like I need some kind of social outlet but I'm just so uncomfortable with anything social. At any social gathering, whether it's some kind of event or a club meeting or whatever, I just stand back and feel uncomfortable and awkward. And- understandably- nobody's eager to include me, so sooner or later I kind of get the hint and stop coming back. It really feels like I just don't have voice chat enabled, if that makes sense. I feel like the dude without a mic, and so maybe he'll communicate with pings or crouch spamming or whatever but he's not a real person relative to the people who have mics. If that makes sense. Like practical communication works, he can respond to basic questions, but there's no depth of communication at all.
Even when things kind of start to work out, I don't like it. Like I have a fairly big martial arts background, and some of the people at the jujutsu club like me because I can teach them things. But if they act friendly it makes me very uncomfortable, I can feel my sympathetic nervous system turning on, and I leave the club feeling dejected. I know that they don't actually like me, I'm not actually in the group, it feels like I'm being patronized. I'd rather just be fully excluded without any pretenses. At the same time, I know I need friends, and I want friends. What do?