I think i abandoned my child
Alright, this post is probably going to get responses from all directions, good bad & indifferent & i am prepared to take them all.
My partner of over 13 years separated in the beginning of February. Long story short, it was messy & it was my fault. He did not speak to me for weeks. Hates my guts, as he has every right too. Unbeknownst to me, a month later he has a new girl & 6 weeks later the new girl not only met my daughter but had easter with her when i was not offered any part of the holiday because it was 'his day' (we had a temporary schedule in place at this point, no formal agreement) the next week, she came to me saying that the new girl had pretty much moved in, she was sharing her room with one of the daughters & was talking stepmom & step siblings. 2 weeks in a row i picked my daughter up from school & had my heart ripped out of my chest.
After that, things settled down between the 2 of us & we started talking about mediation & putting a plan on paper. But we couldn't agree on anything & mediation has not happened. He should be happy playing house with his new family but subliminally beneath the lines he was still going after my situation, not happy with my living situation or the life i have to live now. (I have 2 horses & moved into the boarding barn i had to move them to in order to afford board) My daughter also used to love horses & always had a blast when she came to moms, the barn family loves her to pieces. But he does not like it. I started sending her to an after school program because i have to work late & Last week she came back to me & shut down when we got to the barn. Wouldn't talk to me, didn't want to do anything. Just wanted to go home to him & her. I didn't know what to do. Hurt & defeated i called him & told him to take her. That's where she wanted to be & i couldn't force her to stay where she wasn't happy. I was honest that i was hurt & that she wanted to be with him & i couldn't fix it. I love her & i couldn't compete with what he was giving her. I told him to take her & keep her. As the week went on i felt more & more guilty & i was supposed to have her for the entire mothers day weekend....but i couldn't bear having her & not being able to make her happy or disappoint her so i kept putting her off. Today i finally said, i can't take her. I need some time. Mentally & emotionally i could not face her. I couldn't face what happy stories she would tell me & that I would disappoint her because i cant do the things her dad does with her. To wrap things up, i told him he needed to just keep her. Take her, raise her, do all the fun things with her. The cowards way out because i can't shove my emotions aside & i cant mentally handle that he is the 'good' parent now when we were together i was the parent that raised her & did all the things with her. I cant handle the back & forth, the competition. I am not a strong person, i have struggled with mental health my entire life especially after having our daughter & i not only tore our family apart but i have actually wrecked them too because i cant do it anymore mentally or emotionally. Its been 3 months & i am just broken. I cant take it back now, im sure he is headed right for a lawyer screaming abandonment & he will get full custody & parental rights because of it. I dont really know what im looking for with this post, but i needed to say something somewhere