For the past 4, maybe 5 years I’ve had to change schools every year. This made it really hard to develop friendships, especially after losing your best friends and a partner for the _th time. I eventually grew colder and numb to people which led to me being called nonchalant even though I’m really not.
This year though was different as I would finally be able to stay there for longer. I allowed myself to open up to people, make stronger friendships and all that nice stuff I wasn’t allowed to do. I even found a girl I really liked. For once in my life I thought I had finally healed.
Now, I never had any classes with this girl. Nor do I have lunches with them or any after school clubs or activities. She doesn’t even talk to people all that much on her phone. I did have a three second window in between classes where I’d pass by her in between periods so I used that time to smile and wave to her. This continued for several months where we’d both just smile, wave and say hi to each-other. But a few weeks ago I finally decided to talk to her. I had to change my usual routes just to get that opportunity and she instantly noticed it. But it seemed ok at the beginning. We’d talk about art, school and whatever came to mind and it seemed like she enjoyed my presence. We even traded snacks, remembered small details and complimented each-other on different things. But I overstepped my boundaries and onto hers. It became very apparent that I was intentionally seeking her company which she didn’t appreciate and this caused disruptions in her own daily life. I wasn’t aware I was bothering her though. After some time I thought we had become friends and I thought that friends naturally seeked each-other out to talk and hang out.
Eventually I did something that I can’t ever forgive myself for. I was waiting in the hallways near her classroom to talk with her once school ended. But I thought itd be weird if I just walked back and forth in the halls so I stood behind some lockers and a gap in the wall to wait for her. She did not appreciate that and thought I was being creepy which bothered her greatly. The next day she sent me a message telling me this had to stop and to stop talking and walking beside her. I apologized but at this point I’ve ruined everything I’ve done with her.
The biggest thing was that out of my own fear of loss, I sabotaged myself in developing a relationship. I kept seeking her in the hallways out of my own insecurity that if I stop talking to her, she’d disappear just like everybody else in my past did. And I’m not even sure I had a decent alternative available. I asked her if she wanted to hang out before classes start but she literally gets to school right as the bell rings. She doesn’t communicate on her phone either so there’s no after school communication. With nothing else to do I knew I had to create something out of nothing but in doing so I tried to hard and suffocated her.
Never in a million years did I think I’d be seen as creepy. Weird? Sure I’ve been called weird but that’s just my own quirky personality traits. And if I’m not weird then I’m called nonchalant so I had to choose to be something. But creepy? Never. I let my own trauma’s and demons fuel my insecurities until I became my worst enemy.
Also it’s kind of a cruel irony I was given an art project and I chose to draw Anakin Skywalker…the guy who fell to the dark side because of his insecurities and fears over loss. So that’s something.