I think my mother hates me.
I really think my mother hates me. I don’t really know when I started to feel this, but this thought has become louder and louder as time passes. Let me add a bit of a context. I’m 18F and ever since I was 7-8 years old I’ve had a weird relationship with my mother and my father. They married when they were 20-21, were really in love. However, my father used to abuse my mother physically and verbally. This really made me hate him, he used to say real mean things to her and she just used to listen. He was an alcoholic and I was scared of him. Example, whenever he came home late at night and blared the horn of the car I used to start shaking like a leaf. This continued until I was 12/13. After that he had a shift and literally the abuse stopped, he and mother argued less and only verbal insults were exchanged. While all this was going on, my mother and my relationship was an entirely different story. She would constantly use me as her therapist, telling me how bad my father and grandmother are. Imagine being 10 listening to your mother tell all the terrible things your father had done. I remember this particular instance where I was 11 and she had told me to do the laundry, I didn’t see that there was a white shirt in the washing machine already, and put all the laundry in the washing machine along with the white shirt. My mother got to know about it. She was furious. I really knew she hated me that day. Because the things she said were not normal. She told me how I was dumb and an animal. I didn’t have a brain. I’m a selfish bitch just like my father and grandma. Maybe I did it on purpose so she would never give me another task to do. I was 11 and all my life until then I’ve heard how evil my father / grandma is and now I was being compared to them. I felt disgusted with myself. Then I was given silent treatment by her, which happened often. I’m sure the amount of incidents I remember I’ll have to write probably 10 other posts. Then whenever I’ll cry she would say ‘ Your crying will never work on me. Stop the drama. I know you are just doing this so that I’ll pity you and console you but know that I’ll never do that because this shit doesn’t work on me. It may work on your dad but never on me’ This is whole another topic, my father genuinely loved me, he doted on me and I think this is another reason my mother harbours resentment towards me, she constantly even now compares me to her. This shit is heartbreaking since ever since I was a kid whenever my dad would call me or try to say loving things to me I’ll feel weird and wanted to get away from me because 1) he constantly argued with my mom 2) I didn’t want to hurt my mom. I thought maybe I’ll hurt her if I got close with my father. This avoidance made me so damn broken that even now if my dad comes close to me I go stiff and feel this disgust with myself if he shows any affection towards me.
Also, even from the age of 7-8 I’ve always fought with my father, taking my mother’s side. Even if she was wrong or she was correct, I didn’t care, I just fought and fought with father, and often both of them reconciled due to me. Sometimes, my mother would tell me not to talk to my father and then go on to talk with him. Which put me in such a weird spot.
Oh and I also have a younger brother whom my mother loves, more than me , I’ll write another post about this too. Just lmk if you guys want to see me unload more of this shit here. Because I’m done with this. Yeah, maybe my mother hates me, however I just want her to know that now the feeling is mutual.