u/Big_Pomegranate1274

My boyfriend of 4 months was previously married and his ex-wife was emotionally and physically abusive toward him. He filed for divorce in late 2024 and it was finalized right after we made things official. It took over a year because they have a child (5y/o) together, so custody was a battle in itself. She is still horrible to him, often manipulating him by calling him a bad father.

During their marriage, it seems like he still treated her very well, which I'm struggling with witnessing and understanding. I've seen things on Facebook of him commenting or posting about how beautiful she is, that he loves her so much, doing online trends with her, doing photoshoots with her, etc. She did the same thing. He even made a post the month he filed for divorce saying she makes life so much happier for him.

I asked him once how and why he was able to make things seem so normal and he said he felt like he had to on social media so no one found out he was being abused and wanted things to seem normal for their child. You can literally see in photos his happiness fading over time.

He's a very good man and I know he has the best intentions for us/me and loves me dearly, but he's clearly scared to put in romantic effort with me, and I don't blame him considering what he went through! Being romantic and showing my partner I love them comes extremely naturally for me, so it's hard to understand his side of things - like why does it take time to do simple (to me) things like getting flowers, coming up with a special nickname, surprising me with something, sending me a "this reminded me of you" thing, remembering the little things, etc.

I make sure to be direct and kind with him about what I'm asking for without attacking him and I recognize any efforts made with a "thank you for ____". I'm physically and emotionally affectionate, make his favorite meals, compliment him, encourage him, tell him I'm proud of him for XYZ reason, everything. The last thing I want to do is pressure him, especially with how being romantic with his ex-wife turned on him. At the same time, it's just really hard seeing how he did exactly what I'm wanting with his ex-wife. It's worth noting he has ADHD but just started medication for it.

From a man's perspective, how can I create a safe space for him so he can be comfortable being romantic? Some reassurance that he'll get there with time would be great too.

Note: he is interested in therapy for healing, but currently can't afford it. I'm also aware it's not my job to heal him, it's his.

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 months and can't stop overthinking about how he treated his ex-wife compared to how he treats me and why he treated her the way he did.

He got married to this woman young (20) after only 3 months of dating. They had a child and house together. She ended up being emotionally and physically ab*sive toward him - hitting him or ignoring him for talking about his feelings, saying he'd never be enough or he'd never make enough money, he'd never be successful, etc. She threatened to leave him and take their child while he was deployed so he filed for divorce in late 2024 and it was finalized right after we started dating.

Despite this, it seems like he treated her so well. I saw on Facebook after friending him all of these posts and comments from him talking about how beautiful she is, he loves her so much, etc. He made a post the same month he filed for divorce saying she makes life so much happier for him. His ex-wife made similar posts, saying how happy she was with him and appreciates the sacrifices he made for their family.

He's a good man, just wounded - he constantly tells me he loves me (literally ALL the time), says his mental health is better now, thinks about how his choices affect me, spends every day with me, etc but he doesn't do the super romantic/affectionate/sappy things for me, which I really enjoy. I have nicely asked for them as well, and he's been a little bit better so I make sure his efforts are recognized. It's very easy for me to be affectionate and show my partner I love him, so I struggle to understand why it takes time to do something so simple (to me) as surprising me with flowers, sending a song that reminded him of me, or giving me a special nickname. If my partner told me they wanted those things, I'd immediately do it.

He has more of a "I want to be a masculine provider" mindset and his ex-wife being materialistic probably contributed toward it. I'm not like that at all and I feel like he just assumes I'd be like that because it's so ingrained in his head. I also think he's just not comfortable being vulnerable with me yet in terms of emotions, affection, and effort with the fear that this relationship will turn out the same way as his marriage. I don't blame him for that!

I guess I'm looking for reassurance that this will just take time (and therapy, which he wants to start once he can afford it). I know I can't force him to be vulnerable with me, but if there's anything I can do to create a safe, encouraging space for him, I'm all ears. Of course, I treat him extremely well - make his favorite meals, give endless affection, support him with encouragement, show appreciation, thank him when he does open up to me, etc. The last thing I want to do is pressure him.