I (36F) have been married to my 33(M) husband for a little over two years. I moved to another country to be with him. The immigration process, plus some really awful family situations on his part have made it really difficult.
He's dealing with some very real and on-going trauma from his family situation. He also struggles with anxiety and depression (not formally diagnosed, but it's pretty clear.) I've got my own history with depression and anxiety, and have been through it with friends, so it's nothing brand new to me.
But it's a rollercoaster, all the time. I can never predict what his mood will be, and his reactions have a hair trigger. The smallest things can create the biggest reactions. He can withdraw completely for days. Sometimes even weeks at a time. He gets very angry and volatile. He yells and screams, sometimes at me. He can be pretty verbally cruel. He can punch things and break things.
On the other side of it, he's a completely different person. He's sweet, affectionate, loving, helpful, playful. But, at this point, I have a hard time even trusting that because the dark side could come out at literally any second. Especially if I have any sort of need from him or the relationship.
He hasn't been able to maintain a job for more than a couple of months at a time in these two years. I'm exhausted and worn out from trying to be supportive and also to establish things in a new country where I have no connections. I've tried everything the websites say. I have tried all angles of opening conversations, asking him to get support/help. Very occasionally, on a good day, he'll say he will do it. But most of the time, he says he's not interested in help and gets very angry with me for even suggesting it.
He has threatened suicide more than once. It's not uncommon for him to say things about how much he hates his life, and how much he wants to not exist.
I love him very much. I think he's got a good heart. I believe he really does love me too. I just think that whatever emotional/mental battles he's fighting get in the way of it sometimes. I believe he truly is in pain.
But I don't know what to do. It's not possible to really "take a break" or "space" because of our international situation and my residency permit. If I leave for any length of time, it would be stating over from 0 if we decided to give it another shot.
I am truly exhausted. I feel drained, defeated. I feel like I've disappeared into this relationship. I am in debt from trying to keep us both afloat and get established in a new (to me) country. My parents are lovely and have supported us so much, but they're thousands of miles away. I feel like I keep trying to build a future with someone who only wants a future some of the time. And I am not sure which side to believe in... the kind one who ensures me he does want a future, or the angry/bitter/hopeless one who says (and acts like) he doesn't care at all.
I guess I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, and I'm terrified of what could happen to him if I don't. But I also feel like I've tried everything.
I dunno. I guess I'm looking for any practical advice, or just some solidarity to feel a little less alone.