Hi everyone. My sister, who I am very close to, didn’t let me know she was graduating, she's been doing her program part time, so there hasn't be a set date/timeline for graduation. Context: there’s been some family drama and she didn’t want to invite all the siblings. In the past/present she has not accepted apologies unless they take full accountability for your actions, regardless of intent and will give the silent treatment until those conditions are met. Our grandparents abused us growing up (physical and verbal) and have never taken any accountability, nor apologized. I am posting our text convo below to get input on how I could have reacted better or if I should have done something differently. I am just having a really hard time with it all right now. What could I have done differently to communicate how I was feeling?
Me: Hey, I’m actually really sad I wasn’t invited.
Her: I’m sorry you’re sad. I didn’t mean any harm, it honestly was just a super inconvenient time. I also knew I didn’t want BLANK or BLANK there and just wanted it to be an event about me so it didn’t make sense to invite anyone beyond the grandparents.
Me: Thanks for explaining your reasoning. You feel like if I came it wouldn’t be about you?
Her: I feel like if I invited everyone it wouldn’t be about me because I knew I didn’t want BLANK or BLANK there.
Me: I get not wanting certain people at events. I doubt either of them would have come, even if invited, because of the weekday thing. I’m feeing pretty hurt because it’s a really big deal to get a masters and it feels like you didn’t want me there to support you. It feels a little confusing because grandma has a tendency to make things about her a lot. Idk, it just feels like even an explanation of this reasoning beforehand instead of me finding out on Facebook would’ve hurt a lot less, as well.
Her: Grandma texted about it in the family chat a few weeks ago and asked when it was and details so I definitely wasn’t keeping it a secret. I have found that grandma doesn’t really make my academic events about her. She also taught me to read, always proofread my papers, helped me do two years of math textbooks over the summer to be on grade level after I started elementary school, and stayed up late to transfer my laundry so I could go to bed and be able to wake up for school. I don’t think I would be where I am academically without her and I wanted to honor that relationship between us. Again, I didn’t mean to harm you in anyway. I have been barely keeping my head above water and it was a scramble just to get here, let alone text people beforehand. I’d love to do a celebratory dinner or something with you when you’re available.
Me: I get wanting to honor relationships that are special. I think I’m just needing an acknowledgment that, even though unintentional, it was hurtful and you get why I’m sad. I think you’d probably be sad if I didn’t invite you to my phd graduation. I’d love to do a celebration sometime soon.
Her: Again, I am sorry you’re sad. I do want to point out that this entire conversation has actually made my graduation about you. There hasn’t been a “congratulations” or “you looked beautiful” or “I’m proud of you.” I get that you’re sad and I’m sorry that you are. As I have said before, I am barely keeping my head above water right now and doing my best. It’s also okay you are sad and hurt.
Me: I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. I get that as well. I am very happy for you and your achievement. Of course you looked beautiful. I’m sorry for not leading with that. I can really see how that would hurt your feelings, so I’m sorry. I think what’s hard is I feel like you were the person in my life that taught me how to apologize and acknowledge people’s emotions and acknowledge impact vs intent when apologizing. In the past, you have only accepted apologies that acknowledged how it made you feel, regardless of intent. That is what I’m asking for in this situation, is just validation that you get why I’d be sad about this specifically. I’m not trying to fight with you at all. I am so incredibly proud of you for accomplishing all of this work while you’ve been parenting and working full time. You are an incredible human being who I am lucky to know and be sisters with. I’m just so so sad I wasn’t there to see this huge accomplishment because I think education is so special and you’re so special and I wanted to see you walk across the stage.
Her: Thank you for wanting to be there. I am sorry you’re sad and it’s okay to feel sad about this. At the end of the day, I did what feels right to me because of the convenience issue and the issue of me not wanting to invite everyone in the sibling group so I could make the day about me and not worried about any family politics. This was about me, not to slight you. Again, I’m sorry you’re sad and thank you for wanting to be there. I’m happy to send you the video of me walking across the stage or any pictures you’d like to see.
Me: I appreciate you saying you’re sorry I’m sad. And I would like to see pictures and videos. I’m going to be done after I say this and take a break. I’m feeling sad that you’re not acknowledging that something you chose to do has impacted me. We’ve been texting this whole week, we spent hours together in person last week. I feel that you could’ve have mentioned at any of those times your plan for inviting specific people. I would have really appreciated a heads up, it would have made this a lot less painful. I don’t really check what grandma says in the group chat, so I wasn’t aware that it had been shred. At the end of the day, you chose what was right for you and that’s fine. I just have been working so hard on showing you I care about you and I’m really hurt and feeling like you didn’t show me you cared by at least telling me your plan and me finding out on Facebook. But if that’s the level of relationship you want to have, that really is fine, I just need to adjust my expectations. I’m going to take a break now.
Her: What I am trying to explain to you is that I didn’t have a plan to communicate. I have been so overwhelmed and stressed that I had no plan. I wasn’t even ready when we got here and had to spend hours finishing getting stuff in cedar because I have been so busy with work and finishing school. There was no subplot to harm you. I just have been trying to stay afloat. It’s fine if you want to interpret that as actions against you but it’s not. Again, this feels a lot like you’re twisting this to make my graduation about you. I’m sorry you are hurt. I hope your break helps you get what you need.
Me: Okay, I’ve had some time to think. I don’t think there was any “subplot to harm” me. I was just saying that acknowledging that something that you did hurt, even though it was unintentional, would have helped me. Truly just saying “I can see how that would’ve made you sad, I’m sorry!” would have been what I was asking for. I am only sharing this because I care about our relationship and I’m letting you know this type of validation is what helps me feel seen and cared for. This is how I learned to acknowledge hurt expressed from others by my therapist and I’m just letting you know it would help me. I’m assigning no blame, no pointing fingers, no paranoid subplots, just letting you know what would help me feel more supported. I’d love to know what would help you feel more supported, too. Congratulations on graduating with your master’s, that’s a huge accomplishment. I’d love to move on and let it go. I just want to communicate things as they come up so we can have a healthier and more intimate relationship. I hope you will share your feelings too. What are you thinking?
Her: I’m thinking I’d like to celebrate the rest of my graduation weekend instead of it being made about you. I understand you like to address things in the moment but I think this conversation would have been better to wait so i could have been able to actually focus on celebrating my accomplishment. I’m happy to touch base with you later in the week.