Transference, Counter-Transference, or both
I’m 30ish M and my T is a 27ishF. We’ve been seeing each other for about 3-1/2 years. My relationship with my T has mirrored much of my personal relationships and honestly this relationship bares much of the burden of my more dysfunctional personality traits. I would described I our relationship as both contentious (we often argue/disagree) and deeply meaningful/impactful.
Last week during session we were discussing some of my dissatisfaction and reservations with my current relationship. My T asked me to describe my ideal relationship or person in my life. I said things like smart, funny, independent, successful, driven, and general chemistry.
My T said it sounded to her like I was describing her personally and asked me if I was? I was kind of surprised because I was thinking about other people in my life and why I found those interactions impactful.
My T stated that she thought I was describing her based on my actions and that she thought I had feeling for her. She asked me if I thought we would get along outside of therapy and I told her I didn’t really know her. She told me that I knew enough to guess and what I thought interacting outside of therapy would be like.
I wasn’t sure what to say because I really like my T and think we click. I said that I guess if we meet in a coffee shop we would likely get along. It felt like she was looking for a specific answered and like she wanted me to acknowledge her and our connection.
After I acknowledge our connection and likelihood of getting along outside of therapy she shifted towards asking me if I felt safe. She did say that things wouldn’t be sexual but that it was okay to feel this way.
I guess this seemed somewhat therapeutic but the way we got her seemed strange. She did tell me that she wouldn’t abandon or leave me, but honestly that felt disingenuous. Like you only won’t leave me if i keep paying for Sessions’s.
Before this conversation I never had fantasy about a life with my T outside the box. However since then I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’ve also since had my first intense sexual fantasy about my T. In the moment it felt hot, afterwards I felt even more confused.
I’d like to know what the possible therapeutic benefit or reason behind her assertion that I was describing her. I know it’s possible that these were repressed feelings and that they’re now coming to the surface. I’m also open to the possibility that it was done with little tact, but with care in mind. However I can’t help escape feeling like she’s working her own issues out on me and that this might be hurting me more then helping.