Adult children of divorce & one parent with BPD - how are things with the other parent?
My ex and I are 13 years into a high-conflict separation with no divorce to show for it. We're heading back to court soon and she's ramping up parental alienation again because I've stood firm on the serious issues that happened last year that put my sons at risk and her lack of accountability for them.
Our children that have moved out on their own have been turned against me (alienation is well-documented). My ex pwBPD blames me for everything wrong in her life and shit-talks me in private with my kids. She uses them to wage emotional war against me when she isn't getting her way. It's heartbreaking to see them dragged into a loyalty conflict and I know it is hurting them to turn on me. They're turning on part of themselves.
I also worry that some of my young adult kids may be heading down the path of BPD. I've had to accept that some/all of them may choose to cut me out of their lives and view me in the way their mom portrays me. Heartbreaking as it is, I now know (took almost 5 decades) that I deserve joy and peace in my life and that healthy relationships are the only path to those things.
I watched a Netflix special about a family with a daughter involved in a TikTok cult. She was totally brainwashed and turned against her family to the point of being ice cold and completely loveless toward them. I watched as the parents desperately tried again and again to win back her heart and mind to no avail. Rinse and repeat. That was the "a-ha" moment that helped me realize I can't force a relationship to happen with my grown kids if they've been poisoned against me. I could spend the rest of my life in misery chasing after them only to be rejected, sacrificing the joy that could otherwise be pursued.
I know I've made mistakes, plenty of them. I know I've hurt my kids through my words and actions more than once. But not to the point of abuse. Just human mistakes. I've worked really hard at growing, taking accountability with humility, and doing a bit better each day. I also know that I've given my best efforts in trying to be a good parent and do right by my kids.
I'm curious if those of you that grew up in households with one parent having BPD and where there was also a high-conflict divorce/separation, how did that turn out for you?
When did you figure out who the mentally unhealthy parent was?
For those estranged from a parent due to alienation, how long did that last for?
Any of you with a BPD parent also diagnosed with BPD?
My approach is to offer unconditional love for my children, leaving the door open for them to reach out, but also setting firm boundaries about treating me with the same dignity and respect we all deserve. Do you have any other advice that could help navigate this situation?