I’m struggling to find stories similar to mine because my parent is not overtly abusive (to me), my dad was abusive towards my mum when I was little and for 10 years before I was born but they were never together when I was around which was for the better.
I’m an adult daughter and my dad loves me and has always been involved in my life which is what my mum always wanted. I can’t say he has ever been outright abusive towards me in the violent sort of way.
On the surface we seem close, and he believes we have a great relationship. I’ve always been the “good” child and the closest to him.
The problem is that I don’t feel free to be myself around him. He is very controlling in subtle ways, expects a lot of access/involvement, and I feel like I’ve spent years shrinking myself, keeping the peace, and behaving how he would approve of. I’m constantly anxious and in fight-or-flight around him, even over small things. I can never relax at home and I’m scared every time the phone rings and with every interaction.
There hasn’t been one huge abusive event. It’s more the long-term dynamic: I don’t feel space to be honest, set boundaries, or live as myself without pressure. Because of that, my therapist believes the only realistic way for me to gain independence is to move away and go no contact. I have began preparations for this e.g finding new job in new city and new home etc.
What makes this hard is that he genuinely will not expect it. He thinks we are close and that everything is fine. I know it would devastate him, and I don’t feel good causing that sort of pain. I get frustrated with myself as well for playing along for all this time so he felt things are okay and I wish I hadn’t let things go on without him knowing anything’s wrong but he’s not someone you can challenge or is ever willing to listen to anyone point of view.
Staying in this dynamic is costing me my own life, but my other big guilt is I know I would be pulling my mum back into a situation she has finally after all those years got peace from. My mum will be the first person my dad tries to contact and he will show up at her house if she does not answer and I feel bad for that happening to my mum whether it is my fault or not. She’s getting on and is close to retiring and I want her like to remain peaceful not bring up all trauma for her.
Has anyone experienced estrangement or low/no contact with a parent who loved you but was controlling and didn’t realise the impact they had? How did you handle the guilt and shock factor?