For FAs: Are we really no match for a betrayal wound?
My soulmate. I was sure of it.
Our lives overlapped everywhere which affirmed how fateful it felt. When people would ask how we knew each other, there were 10 different ways we could answer.
He swept me up as high as I've ever been. I felt my soul exhaling, "finally". It was magical. Meaningful. Soothing. After all the disillusionment, I still have such an ache for it.
But 2 euphoric months later: the wedding speech.
We were invited separately before dating but attended together and knew most of the guests in one way or another. It was that "this is him" weekend with friends and all their first impressions.
He gave his best man speech. It had depth, charm, and sincerity, just like he does. But did it need multiple curse words and a reference to doing drugs with the groom? I did not exactly think so.
Maybe it's because we're from the south where verbal etiquette is still a huge sign of respect. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to judgment, and maybe I was shocked the twin flame I finally found might have bad manners. But I was completely horrified.
I could sense discomfort from the couple surrounded by their clients, bosses, grandmothers, and of course my scandalized friends. Yet he thought he killed it.
It was not so crash & burn that anyone had to say something to him, but when he later asked what I thought, I (as respectfully and gently as I could) gave him my honesty. I said, "I didn't think it put the bride or groom in the most respectful light" I know I could have put that in a compliment sandwich or something, but I also could have told him how humiliated and disappointed I actually was. (and aren't cursing and drug references the unspoken rule #1 & #2 on things to leave out of a speech anyway???)
I value honesty even when it hurts and thought he would too. But upon hearing that, he broke up with me, insisting he could never be with someone that didn't support him and understand the way he shows love for his friends.
I truly did understand his viewpoint. I tried to tell him (and helplessly repeated countless times since) that it in no way meant I didn't support & love him, or even that I didn't love the speech. To me, holding someone you love accountable, in its own way, IS supporting them. And if we disagreed on that, it's not ideal but it's not a catastrophe!
He came back a week later with a passive apology for overreacting and reassurances of his love, but nothing was the same after that.
I tried to understand why. I slowly pieced together the childhood taken from him by a manipulative mother, an absentee father, and the stress of somehow still functioning as the high status perfect family. Struggles that were thankfully but sadly far beyond anything I knew.
I became as gentle and emotionally absorbent as I could. I learned his triggers. I avoided criticizing at all costs. But when he ended it for good after 7 months, he sited the speech as the betrayal that he just couldn't come back from.
He's an amazing person and I know he did his best. He didn't say "I love you" often, and when he did, he would sort of blurt it out in a panic. But I know he meant it. I know you all do.
But on my list of the million things I don't know, this is at the top: What made that betrayal so devastating? What is he so afraid I'll do "next time" in his trauma-constructed reality?
The mental squinting it takes to see it as severe as a "betrayal", let alone a deadly one, has consumed and exhausted me.