Hi Reddit! So, for some context, I (23F) recently found out I was accepted into a doctoral program for neuroscience. I have been childfree my entire life, and nothing has shaken that mindset whatsoever. I have also made it very clear to my family, friends, and boyfriend (24M), who is also childfree. Just like anyone else, I have my own reasons to be childfree, but the biggest one is the fact I want to focus on my education and career.
So, yesterday, I went home to celebrate my godmother’s birthday. She had a gathering at her home, and my family was invited. My boyfriend also attended, since he’s basically family as well. All was well… we had a wonderful meal, watched my godmother open her presents, and so on. I was enjoying myself, and it seemed like everyone else was too.
It got to a point where my mother, father, boyfriend, and I were all sitting at a table together, after we had shared some cake. My godmother’s husband approached us to talk. Again, all was well, until he asked how my schooling was going. I told him that I had been accepted into a doctoral program, and he congratulated me. He asked me how long it would take to earn my degree, and I told him I was looking at about six years. My mom, who has badgered me for grandchildren since I was a literal teenager, spoke up and said, “You better be happy you have grandkids, because by the sound of it, OP’s gonna run out of time before she can have them.” He was clearly taken aback by her comment, and he asked what she meant by that. My mom went on to say that, by the time I get my PhD, I’ll just be “old and bitter”, and I’d be lucky if I even got married by then, since all I would think about is school.
….I’d like to reiterate that I am in a loving and happy relationship. However, neither one of us wants to get married right this second, since it’s a very busy time for the both of us. Still, we would love to be married one day. And AGAIN, we are both childfree.
So, he just laughed it off and said that OP will figure out what she wants later on. Then, he walked away from the table. The rest of the party was a bit tense, but I figured it would just blow over. Spoiler alert: it got worse!
When we were leaving, we ran into my godmother’s daughter, who recently had a baby. Of course, I spoke to her and congratulated her, and I even held her baby when she asked if I wanted to. Then, here comes my mother! She starts baby-talking the kid, and then she said, “See, OP, you’d make such a good mommy!”
I’ve never handed a baby back to someone so fast. Lol
Even the mother cringed, knowing that I’m childfree and talk like that irks me. Anyway, my mom continues to stand there, talking to the baby. She tells the baby that she’d love to have “one of you” but OP has to deal with her “stupid schooling”, so she isn’t gonna get one… all in that squeaky voice people use when they talk to babies, by the way… in case you’re imagining this scenario in your head.
At that point, I just decided that it was a wrap, and my boyfriend and I said goodbye to everyone before leaving. He could tell I was upset, as I take my education very seriously, and I hate when people make negative comments towards it. He assured me that everyone was super proud of me, especially him, and that kids just simply do not matter right now, nor will they ever. That made me feel a lot better, until, drumroll please… I get a call from my mother before we even get to my apartment!
I answered, and right off the bat, she wanted to know why I “stormed out of the party” earlier. I told her I didn’t storm out, I made sure to tell everyone goodbye, and then I left. No scenes were caused. She went on to say that she didn’t mean to make me mad with the comment she made about the baby. I told her I wasn’t mad, but it did really hurt my feelings, especially since education is so important to me. In return, she asked me to consider how sad she felt knowing that she’ll never have grandkids. I just said, “Well…”, and then an awkward silence followed. She came back and said that she just can’t understand why I live the way I do, and how I think my life is fulfilling when all I do is “have my head in a book all day”. I said I thought my life was plenty fulfilling, because I’m actively pursing one of my biggest dreams, and I’m happy about it. She said that she wouldn’t be happy about it if she were in my shoes, considering I’m unmarried and without kids. At this point, I got a little outdone with her, and I asked her why she couldn’t just be happy for me. Not to toot my own horn, but not everyone has a PhD, let alone in neuroscience. Higher education is hard, and earning my bachelor’s was easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I told her that I was tired of my accomplishments being undermined, and though I wasn’t expecting a party, I was at least expecting a “congratulations”, which I NEVER got from her. Everything I said went in one ear and out the other, and she said that being a mother is the greatest accomplishment a woman could ever have, and that I hadn’t reached that yet, so there wasn’t anything to congratulate. Great! I hung up the phone, and went and cried so hard I almost threw up!
It’s been almost a full 24 hours since that happened, and I haven’t heard anything from my mother. Besides, of course, a Facebook reel of a mother dressing her baby up, with a message that said, “I can’t wait to dress my grandbaby up!” I ignored it. No apologies, no nothing. Nothing that mattered.
My feelings are still hurt, and knowing that I won’t ever make her proud hurts too. I understand there’s people that consider having kids as an accomplishment, and if you’re happy with that, whatever. But at the same time, how easy is it to get pregnant, and how easy is it to make it through graduate school? I feel like no matter what I do, there’s always the “I don’t have grandbabies yet”, which automatically means anything else isn’t important.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m tired of having that expectation dangled over my head, especially in such a critical time in my life. I keep telling myself that I’ve accomplished a lot regardless, and that my future is bright as of right now. I’ll keep working towards it, no matter what… even if my mom’s comments do hurt me.
……and even if that means I won’t get to see the Facebook baby reels anymore. Lol!
EDIT: Wow, I didn’t expect this to blow up! Thank you guys for all the love and support, I appreciate it so much! :)