Friends (34F) commenting how I (34F) can't recognise abuse because of my family dynamic. I feel embarrassed and annoyed by this. Am I overthinking, or could they be a little more tactful?
Recently, a friend commented that I ended up in one abusive relationship because of the normalisation of verbal/emotional abuse in my family growing up.
Another two said that I don't react strongly enough when the odd time my mother says toxic stuff, and that's because I'm "in it" and "can't see it."
It's embarrassing hearing this from the other side, because I'm well aware I used to enable, dismiss, minimise and allow people to treat me like crap because "they had a bad childhood."
However, in recent years, I have turned myself inside out in therapy and completely changed who I am. To the point I mentioned this to a new friend and how uncomfortable I felt about the above comments from friends I've known 10 - 20 years - even though they were not wrong - and she was really surprised, as she has found me to be completely opposite.
I think my discomfort comes from the fact that, although they mean well, it feels somewhat paternalistic?
And the nagging feeling that they actually don't know me anymore because I am well aware of my boundaries and what emotional abuse/gaslighting/manipulation looks like now, but if I were going to go on that "journey" any time a family member has a toxic moment, I would be wasting my time.
If they cross my boundaries, sure, I will say something.
But if they are wasting their time spinning out and being a d*ck/toxic, I'm not getting involved. It's not my problem, and I can allow it to blow over without my needing to waste my energy.
I don't think they see it like that and see it very black and white and naturally want to protect me... but has anyone else felt confused or perturbed by similar well-meaning comments like this by friends?
I'm not saying people who are abused are stupid - I certainly wasn't when I was and I hope that is VERY clear!
But I feel stupid that they think I don't see things now, after all the work I put in and the insights I do have.
Am I being oversensitive, or could they be a little more tactful?
tl;dr friends think I can't identify emotional abuse because of my upbringing, both in -relationships and today with my parents. I feel uneasy and embarrassed as I have put in so much work in therapy and identifying signs/patterns. Has anyone else experienced this and did you feel uncomfortable?