u/Big-Worldliness-7414

I am finally on the path to talk about it in therapy but I struggle so intensely with it. I literally dissociate every single time and before I was even able to accept it I would have everyday spirals thinking I did it or I did it to someone else and I couldn’t fathom it but when I finally allowed myself to fully understand what happened. I realized that it happened to me and the person that did it literally has no recollection of it. I literally happened 20 years ago (I am almost 26) and i still think it’s my fault but have bucket remember everything from me saying no and screaming to her laughing. I’ve seen so many people talking about their experiences and it’s never a girl being assaulted by another girl so I used to just pretend it was my first bi experience (I am bi btw) then that made it worse thinking I’m only bi for that reason. I know I’m rambling but every part of my brain try’s to find a way to pretend it didn’t happen, say it wanted it to happen, or just completely ignore it because I was 6 and she was 9 or 10. I’m so lost in this aspect of my trauma. I can make logic of every other aspect of my trauma and disorders and why is came to be but this topic puts me in full freeze and I don’t understand how or why.