Needed to vent somewhere to drop this.
Been experiencing fair share poor experiences with people. I thought were very close. I picked apart my brain for days upon end. Thinking am i toxic? I am the problem? Slowly realizing people in general are not honest. Everything seems so temporary. I am starting to think every relationship i have weather it be friends, family, or loved ones is a waste of time.
It started with love interests using me and doing terrible things. Every person i met that i wanted to pursue something more with ended up using me. Weather it be for social means, clothes, money, or image change. Tried to take these things i made my life into theirs. I pushed away and dipped. I dont find it useful to fix something where people refuse to initiate anything. Pushed away and ghosted people close to me without warning. The amount of pain and sadness that became unbearable shoved in space where i rather have nothing or no one. Almost left stranded in place i have been by myself 1000 miles away from home. Giving everything i have to help someone mentally grow and through there struggles just to be left completely by myself. Discussing problems, being open to help change or fix something just for someone else to be a child about it and leave me fucked up.
Maybe i am too nice. Maybe i should just stop being social. I feel like i lost everyone close to me. I feel like every connection i have is fake. I give up on making friends, i give up on trying for people who wont try for me, i give up looking for love thats not there, i give up wanting to be loved, i give up trying to be a friend. Theres no reason to try. All people tend to be fake. I cant even enjoy the things i love anymore.
Nothing changes. people never change.
I wanted to stay hopeful. I wanted to be okay with life. I wanted the problem to be me so at least i could work on myself. I wanted to be able to adjust or activelty be better.
No i just watch as messages come in. I just let sit. Unread like an abandoned library still full of books. Covered in dust.
In room full of people i still feel like i am only one there. Realizing theres something to fix. Then realizing theres nothing i can do to fix it.
I have people that say they love me, say that they care, but then they end up being the reason i feel this way.
I feel alone. But i feel more comfortable understanding maybe i should be that way. I dont want to put more pain into this world. I dont want put out hate. I want everyone to forget and no remeber my name, my voice, who i am, where i am from. Let the memory fade. Let the dream die.
For the ones that miss me dont
For the ones that said they love me dont waste it
For people that know damn well i am talking about them.
Ill remember you forever but i hope i dont take up space in your head, heart, or life because i dont ever want speak or talk to be around any of you.
I rather never speak outloud again. I rather never have a friend or lover again. I rather spend this life alone.
Leave it be m**, t***, c**,a*****, j*****,a*****
Let it die. Let my memory burn. Forget me.