I feel horrible and twisted. I strive so hard to be a good person to cancel out what's inside me. But lately the surface has cracked and I'm seeing all my ugly insides.
I lie to manipulate others. I'll say anything to make someone stay. I'll twist myself into pieces if they'll stay. I think other people are lying all the time because that's what I do. When someone tells me a story I doubt it actually happened, when someone's crying I think they're doing it for attention. I don't have empathy I'm disconnected from most people. I just want to be seen as good so I try so hard to fit into that role.
When I get into arguments with my husband I feel like the world is ending. I'm hyperfocused on making sure he doesn't leave me. When I say something wrong and he gets upset or needs time apart I feel my chest breaking into pieces. I'll say anything to make it better even if it's not true. I'll become whatever he wants as long as he stays.
I don't think he would want the real me. I don't even know what the real me looks like. I change so often.
I feel so empty and numb. I barely laugh. It's not depression just emptiness. I think i hate myself, who I am underneath the mask. A wiggling, shifting thing that will conform to anything to get what it wants. It's ugly.