u/Big-Cook-4377

I struggle with self harm for some years now. At the beginning, I do it because of guilt, for punish myself. But it's not the case anymore. Sometimes it's for coping with bad emotions, not necessary guilt, just feeling anxious or negative emotions, it help me to feel better. Sometimes it's for the sensation, the pain (I have try ice, not exactly the same type of pain), sometimes for the visual and other time because I like scars. Often a mixt of 2-4.

I feel the urge of doing it. And I don't feel bad, I feel neutral. I want feel the pain, see the blood. I can only think about it, can last days. I try to not do it, but I just want to

I have make my coming out as a trans man in 2023, soon 3 years ago. I have change my name, started testo and want do a mastectomy.

Since I have started a relationship with God, I started to question myself. I never had think I could be non-binary before that. I realized I'm not a man, it doesn't feel like me. I don't recognize myself in man. It doesn't mean that I feel like a woman, still not the case. I prefer be considered as a man than a woman, but it's still feel "not me".

I'm a mixt of both and none at the same time. I'm feminine and masculine (more masculine than feminine ) but not a man or a woman. I'm just "me". And the real me is not a man or a woman, but non binary. (I still feel that I have a gender, so I'm not agender).

I wanted share that, because a lot use God name for be transphobic and enbyphobic. It's God who have show me who I really are, non binary!

I don't regret have change my name, it's the new name that God have gave me. And I don't regret have take testo, I feel more like me.

I struggle to understand what is a man and what is a woman. The meaning change with the place and time, so how can we say what is true and what is fake? Like say that man can't wear woman clothes and woman can't wear man clothes, what is "woman clothes" and "man clothes"? In the past, man was wearing skirt. Many things in the past was associated to man, now to woman. Like red who was a masculine color and blue a feminine color.

More the time pass, more that just doesn't make sense to me. The majority of Christian is for gender binary and against genderqueer/outside the norm. But it's important to determine what is a man and what is a woman. Many people say it's determined by the sexe, more precisely the genital but say that is ignore a good part of biological. Sexe is vast, it's included hormones, chromosomes and others. Intersex exist and the majority doesn't know they are. Say that gender = sex and that is binary is ignored a true.

So without using biological, what is a man and what is a woman?

It's write that what is for Jesus Christ is the same for us. That the Words of God is like a mirror, will show us what we are. But if it the case, everyone should have the same personality. Individualism shouldn't exist, all Christians should be the same.

If we come in Jesus Christ, we will lost our personality, our identity, everything. I don't want because a empty shell, a puppet for God... It make me afraid and anxious.

I know it's supposed to be a good thing, because we will be good, share God words and desire. Do the things that He want. But I don't want lose my liberty, it's sound like to be a slave...

I was considering myself like a transman, but more the time pass more I struggle to understand the concept of gender. "What is a woman and what is a man?" And nobody have the answer. I say that I am a men because it's the closest of how I feel. I'm Afab, I dislike be considered like a woman, with feminine pronouns and term, just make me uncomfortable. I hate be call a woman, a girl, Madame or whatever. I don't have physical dysphoria or just a little.

I dislike my breast but don't hate them. At the beginning I feeling really uncomfortable but not now. I don't know if it's because I'm used to it or I just don't mind. I have no bottom dysphoria. It's true that I would like the other sex, but don't give me suffer. (What I want is to have both)

I'm probably non binary but I don't know which label. I don't feel like Demi boy fit for me. I don't know if I don't consider myself as a man because I don't pass or because I'm not. I'm not a woman but I think I'm feminine, I may related to it? But I struggle to know what is feminity and what is masculinity. I don't identify as what the society have define as "man/boy" and "woman/gril" but if I have to choose, clearly men.

I'm not sure if I consider myself as Transmasc either.

Edit: I like some "feminine" clothes, haircut and sometimes (rarely) make up. I'm often more masculine or neutral but I like some feminine clothes. I like have a androgynous apparence

So I would like to have term who can fit my feeling. I know that no one can tell who I am, I just want ideas! I like labels!

I have get obsessed by a character. I have try several time to move on, get over but he always come back. I have try to replace him by Jesus/God, to only focus but I can't force myself from having feelings. Of course, I never consider him like a god or whatever, he's not, he's just my favorite character. He's a character who give me comfort. I have try to go search comfort with God, but I don't feel it work. I feel more comfort by him than God...

I know that's not bad to have a comfort character, but he's "sinful". He's not a villain, but he's not a hero either. He's the opposite of a comfort character, I still find comfort in him. I wouldn't say his name or where he come from, because it's from a NSFW media. (Who contain violence,explicit sexual scene, blood and a mixt of all at the same time)

He lack of empathy, cold, doesn't care about anything (but later he start or realize that he care about some people and have some of empathy). He's sinful, a drunkard, apathy, lustful, masochist, know how to manipulate people, immoral, lazy...

He have good side that we see later, because he start to open more and/or get better, heal.

Like I say, I have try to "forget" him, move on, and whatever. I don't play anymore at his source because it's sinful (even if it's sinful/bad, it have really good message, and it have help me in several ways. Like giving me hope to get better one day, help to understand myself) I try to not see any pictures of him, I don't interact with the fandom anymore. But even with all of that, I finish by though again at him. Especially when I feel bad/down. How I see him is not in the same way that I describe him. I see him like someone hurt, someone who doesn't know how to deal with his emotions/feelings and use bad coping mechanism, someone who try to be compassionate but doesn't know how, someone who deeply care about his loved one, someone who is kinda awkward, try to help others, someone who start to heal little by little, someone who understands and don't understand people and society at the same time. He's still the other things, but less worse.

I really try to forget him, to only focus on God , to not have anyone else, to not be obsessed with him anymore, to be obsessed by God... He's a source of comfort whatever I do.

(prefer put r18, don't want break the rule)

For me, nudity is not a sexual things (maybe because I'm ace) but I know for the majority, it is. I struggle to understand.

For me, nudity is our "true self" and I like see it in art. I hate that people always sexualized everything.

A comfort character is a fictional character who give you comfort.

Do it's okay to have other source of comfort outside God or it's just only God our source of comfort?

I just do a lot of anxiety about what is right and what is wrong (what is a sin and what is not), I know that my interpretation is not always right, so I like to see others. And I just like see others point of view in general