In 2019 I was absolutely destroyed by ending a relationship. Out of nowhere, cold and sterile messaging that it is over. All the cliches of deep depression. It is morbid to say the following year helped me to lock myself away and avoid contact with anyone. Medication and therapy until late 2024. The entire time I kept up responsibilities as much as I wanted to disappear. The constant remarks from others, even strangers, that I looked sad. Yeah. Thanks. I hadn’t noticed.
Around this late 2024 period I had a job relocation, as far away as where I was. I wasn’t over it. But nothing would remind me anymore. I just wanted to be alone. A couple weeks later, by chance, I get along with somebody. It took everything I had to ask her out. Everything was a beautiful coincidence. A completely random encounter, yet every conversation, every text, every date revealed more similarities. It scared me. It felt right in the way nothing had before. In the back of my mind, I kept knowing my worst fears will be realized.
There was a rough moment early on. You know, “Here it comes, let’s get it over.” But it passed. It recovered. That’s when I idiotically let my guard down. I had forgotten how it felt to be loved. I didn't want to be alone anymore and I wasn’t.
I don’t want to reminisce about the following year. Marriage was discussed. Then, out of nowhere, cold and sterile messaging that it is over. After talking face to face, I quietly stood up and was so dizzy I had to catch myself on a wall. I had to go on with my day and periodically felt tears forming “no no no not yet, fellas”. When I got home I collapsed and cried for the first time in years.
Several days later, I haven’t slept more than three hours a night. I see her when I close my eyes. Every corner of my apartment is filled with memories of her. When I go out for work all I see are couples holding hands, frolicking in the fields, butterflies surrounding them, birds singing. Sometimes they run up to me and announce “we’re in love!” Yeah man that’s cool love and stuff I’m gonna grab some high grit sandpaper and go to town on my glasses.
In spite of all this guttural emotional reaction, logically, I just feel defeated. Let’s say in five years I come upon similar circumstances. Why would I believe for a second it won’t end the way it always does. I have stretches where I’m oddly okay with it. As if the last bit of hope is gone. The light is on, the needle is past empty, and we’re running in the red. It’s great. It’s horrible. I’m so lonely. I really need some sleep.
Reading stories on this forum has been helpful. What’s that saying? “You’re not alone” Well, yes. Technically. But more alone together.
I apologize for my idiocy. I can’t talk about this with anybody else. It’s nice to throw it out there.