Hey, im 18 and dealing with a situation with my best friend of 3–4 years. I'd really appreciate an outside perspective.
My friend is very extroverted, direct, and socially active. To be fair, he’s helped me a lot, like he got me out of my comfort zone, introduced me to people, and helped me improve my social skills a bit. I used to be way more closed off before I met him.
But over time, the dynamic has started to feel stressful.
These last few months (some of these even more than a year):
-I feel drained after hanging out instead of refreshed
-I feel like I have to filter myself or “perform” around him
-If I say I don’t want to talk about something, he keeps pushing until I respond
-He tends to frame things as “logical,” like I need to understand his perspective, and it turns into long discussions I didn’t want
-If I don’t engage much, he takes it as me not caring
There have also been moments where “joking” physical stuff (pushing/grabbing) escalates into tension, and when he gets angry he can lose control a bit. Afterwards he justifies it as necessary to “get his point across,” which doesn’t sit right with me.
Recently I took a few days to myself (I wasn’t even around much), and the last time we talked (on phone call) he:
-accused me of talking behind his back (not true)
-kept pushing for explanations
-told me to meet him at a specific time instead of asking
-got insulting when i said no
and that kind of confirmed some of the tension I’ve been feeling.
At the same time im kinda in a tough spot because:
-most of my social circle is connected through him
-im not that great at making new friends
-without him, my social life would probably drop a lot
im also not perfect here:
-I tend to avoid conflict instead of addressing things early
-I sometimes say things under pressure just to end a conversation
-I’ve definitely pulled back without explaining much
So rn I feel stuck between:
-wanting distance because the dynamic feels uncomfortable and tense
-not wanting to lose my main social connection
If nothing changes, I honestly think I’d feel worse over time.
So I guess some of my questions are "is this smth that can be realistically fixed" or "is it better to just slowly distance myself even if it costs me in the social sense"
I’d really appreciate honest opinions.
TL;DR: Best friend helped me socially but now feels controlling and stressful. I feel drained, pressured, and sometimes unsafe in arguments. Recently he accused me of things and got insulting when I set boundaries. I depend on him socially but want distance, so should I try fix this or slowly step back?