Well, I tried Youthline, they said try OUTline. OUTline is closing the chat immediately, so I went back to Youthline and they told me to do some self-care, drink water, and distract myself. So I'm on Reddit because I have nobody else to talk to, and I must vent.
I came out to my sister, and her first response was "Dunno, sounds woke" and she told me that she doesn't agree with me, but it's not her job to judge my lifestyle and she doesn't have to agree with my opinion to support me. I said actually my identity isn't something she can disagree with - you either respect me or you don't. And she said it's not that deep. And I said you don't get to decide that. And she said I get to do whatever I want actually, and that I've lowkey gone off the rails and "this was always going to be the next step".
And I asked her to tell me what exactly she doesn't agree with, and she refused to tell me. Which is exactly what our parents always did to me - everything I did was always wrong and everything she did was always right. And they would tell me I was bad, but never what I was doing wrong because "you should just know" and that their control was because they could see me going down the wrong path. I was literally just a normal teenager.
I feel hurt and abandoned, both by what she said and by the fact that she's made no effort to have the hard conversation. She said she needed to go the gym and disappeared, and hasn't responded to me for over 24 hours now, which is unusual. I feel like she doesn't respect me or love me enough to even try to repair after conflict.
And it's triggering because she knows I was abandoned by our parents, and this is my worst fear, is someone I love and trust not to hurt me abandoning me. I panic when I don't get immediate responses on text. I don't trust hardly anyone - I assume that they will hurt me, so that when they do, it won't hurt like it did when our parents did it. She knows this.
Also, my other sister was like "cool, so who do you have a crush on then" and "yeah, I already knew, it was kinda obvious". So it's not that hard to respect me. I'm sort of angry at her as well. Anyway. That is all.