I (F?20) have been in a committed long term relationship with my partner (M19) for over two years. They have asked that I use they/them pronouns for now while they figure things out. I know recently they’ve been talking more about hating being a man and their body hair and body (etc), but I was under the impression that it was body dysmorphia. In all honesty I should’ve realized the moment they said “I would transition but it’s too much work and I don’t care that much.”
I love my partner so much, they’re the most supportive, loving, kind person on the face of this earth and everyday I worry about losing them. I really support trans people and I want my partner to be comfortable and have the body that matches the way they feel, but I just can’t get over the immense sadness I feel when I’m alone.
When I think about their body changing I feel so much grief. I love the way they look right now, and I don’t want them to change. Today they mentioned removing their body hair and I think a part of me died because I love that part of them so much, I find it very attractive.
The worst part: I can’t tell them about any of this because I know if I do they’ll immediately decide to not even try to transition because they care way too much about how I feel. I consider myself a strong supporter of trans rights and an ally as well as being somewhat genderfluid, and the way I’m reacting to this makes me feel so guilty. My best friend is also a trans woman and I didn’t feel this way when she came out to me, I felt excitement. I don’t understand why this is happening.
Why does it feel like my boyfriend is dying?