I don’t think my psychiatrist believes I’m depressed
Almost every time I go, he asks “are you depressed?” in a way that seems like “are you REALLY depressed?” as in I don’t have a reason to be. It’s the way he asks it that makes me think this. It’s in his tone. Maybe I read too much into it. I cannot think of a time in the past 20+ years that I’ve genuinely been happy and felt good about myself. The intensity of my depression has varied throughout periods of my life, but I am consistently depressed. I have had thoughts ranging from wanting to kms to just wishing I was dead. Right now, it’s the latter that’s the most common. I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I suffer from anhedonia which doesn’t help. I feel defeated by life. I have no desire to socialize with people or even be around anyone, but I still get very lonely. I’ve lost my identity, passion, and desire to improve my life. I’ve accepted that I’m a looser and some people aren’t born to “win” in life. I don’t want to change because I’ve tried and I can’t, and striving desperately to be some other way has made me worse at times. Sometimes I don’t mind my life, but most of the time I hate myself and I know I don’t have a future. I have to live with depression. I have to live with the chronic lack of motivation, interest, and joy that comes with schizophrenia and depression. Acceptance of this is the closest to peace I’ve come, because I gave up striving. Every time I go to a new psychiatrist I feel like I’m being gaslit about my mental health in some way as though it’s not that bad, but I know myself, and I’ve lived this way for years on end and eroded me bit by bit. I couldn’t truly LIVE even if I wanted to.