I never feel like I fit in
I kind of wanna start this out with some childhood background, I know a lot of my issues with socializing, stems from the lack of community, stability, repetition, and group settings growing up.
My family and I moved every two years since I was in preschool up until I moved out at 17. I never watched my parents, maintain friendships long term, never really saw my mother have her own friends though i know she longed for it. From middle school until high school we got involved in a very religious community, so there were a lot of politics that my mother had succumb to, she constantly scrutinized & compared me to other girls in the community that she thought were more ideal than myself.
I do think that I internalize this to this day, and I find myself sometimes comparing who I am to other people, especially in group settings when I feel like I’m not measuring up as much as I hope I would. Or at least this is how i perceive it.
All in all this is to say that I really didn’t have much exposure to consistent group settings, and so I really don’t know how to handle myself, or build community. I’ve been trying to read books. Study human behavior. I’m a very bright girl, I’m trendy, attractive, kind, I smile a lot, sensitive, I’m a great listener. And I do speak my mind. I’m not insecure, but. I do feel like I’m not getting something everyone else seems to get.
For example, last night I was invited to a party by myself and there was probably 15 strangers there and one friend who is very social, and I walked up to this table and I nervously said hello and shook everybody’s hand, but then I didn’t feel like I knew how to move forward from that moment, but then I noticed that my friend who is very social and good with people she walked up to the table, grabbed herself a chair and started talking to the girl to her left, and I was just speaking to myself. Why didn’t I do that and I just started wondering what’s wrong with me or what am I missing?
Do these kind of situations just take repetition and practice or is this just my personality? I want to be more open and I’m really working on building a community which is something I never had so it scares me under intimidating, but I realize that it’s very beneficial and something that I definitely need