Recently i have left the church. Going through deconstruction... Was adopted as an infant into very strict LDS home. So much so, mother was very controlling and father passed when I was a teen. Learned I was adopted when aunt slipped up and told me I was adopted at young age, but old enough to understand I was not like my siblings- didn't look like them. Growing up was different and rough. immediately felt the disconnect when I learned what adoption was and meant. But because of Mormon family, temple sealings and doctrine around adoption really clouded things. I was told I had teen parents and could never get information about my parents. Discussion was discouraged. It was basically a 'don't ask about your bio parents', as you were sealed to us and it's considered as you are ours biologically. My Mother literally feels my blood changed after I was 'sealed'. But growing up was very controlled LDS home. When asking about my history, for health reasons and general information, I was discouraged and it was contentious. Fast forward, the dna testing thing came out. I had another brother who was adopted and he shared he was looking for bio parents. Our Mother was not happy. felt it was disrespectful and wondered why a child would even want to look or find bio parents. (Our mother had 2 bio children after they adopted us) I decided to do the dna testing. Again, I too got reaction and I could tell she was hurt and discouraged it. Was told multiple times, what would I do if I found bio parents. And to remember I was hers and the sealing work was done and asked if I regretted it - being adopted. How do I answer that question?
I found both my bio parents. It was amazing. Both were looking for me as well. Mother tried to undo the adoption through LDS social services. she even met with church leaders to try and undo things. She regretted it. It broke my heart. Amazing reunions and both accepted me with open arms. They both had gone on to marry other people. So I have siblings on both sides.
Adoptive mother asked if I had any updates on finding parents and I shared I had found them. Her only comment was were my mother and her husband financially successful? I thought it odd she would ask that. she never asked my feelings. Never asked what I was experiencing. Didn't ask anything as to how I was feeling or going through in all of the discovery. It was very emotional. Mentally, emotionally and physically trying to process both parents and their feelings giving me up. only to have adoptive mother react the way she did. Yes she raised me. But growing up in a blended family was not good. When I got married she didn't even show up to my temple wedding. (She didn't approve of my spouse) so when I left home after HS, never went home. Too contentious. but still tried to control things after I left home. She felt my marriage and my life was her business and she had a right to know. I disagreed. so as you can see, the reasons for my withdrawl. And now that I'm out of the church, temple sealings, religious history, genealogy, I have no connection. I'm happily married. She made my marriage very difficult with her accusations and judgements of my husband. At one point I had to put my foot down and place boundaries. We didn't speak for 9 months. Then when she called, it was as if nothing happened. she remarried after adoptive dad passed. And I have a great relationship with step father - he actually came to my wedding. But they divorced and it was bitter. To this day she doesn't know I have a close relationship with him. She hates the man. However he considers me one of his own. He knows I have left the church as well.
I have relationship with my bio parents- but to this day, she never asks about them. ironically my bio parents ask about my adoptive mother all the time. How's she's doing and how she feels about me keeping contact with them.
I have learned to keep things private. But since deconstructing Mormonism and how I was raised- I am finding myself withdrawing from
her. She doesn't know I have left the church. One sibling told me not to say anything- it would create even more issues. This sibling left the church and he knows how she would react. He respects my decision and was shocked I left. But he knows how intense she is. Given the 'sealing' topic. she's made comments 'I am hers and that won't change, no one can claim me'. Which makes no sense since I am 'sealed' to my husband... but we both know that's not a thing.
My other siblings and I are just friends. We don't have a close relationship. No one reaches out and when I do or try to engage, it's not reciprocated. It's just casual. I get the feeling they feel like I betrayed the family/ their mother By finding my bio parents. so I just keep to myself.
Bottom line, is ever since leaving the church and finding bio parents, I have experienced some resentment. How I was brought up, the manipulation, the control, the guilt and gaslighting, and the push of Mormonism and ordinances. I have tried to have gentle discussions on doctrine but am met with 'I am Confused and I need to make sure I search trusted church sources' . So I leave it alone. I love her as a person, but there is literally no emotional connection as a mother and daughter, there never has been. I just engage with her as a friend. Am I off, am I wrong? Is this normal? Just alot of emotions and feels to digest.
Thanks for reading my emotional rant.