I don’t really know how to start this, but I just need to get it off my chest.
Lately I’ve been struggling a lot, and I feel like it’s starting to affect my relationship with Allah. I hate even admitting that, but it’s the truth. I feel weaker spiritually, and I think a big part of it is just how overwhelmed I feel being a woman right now.
It’s like everything feels restricted. Not being able to travel alone, being told wearing perfume is a huge sin, avoiding makeup completely… and now I’m even hearing that a “proper” hijab can’t have embroidery. It just feels like no matter what, we’re not allowed to look good at all. Like we’re just supposed to exist and not feel جميلة in any way, or not feel so hideous all the time.
And then I look around and it feels like everyone else is perfect. Other hijabis with beautiful skin, looking put together and naturally gorgeous, and I just feel… less than. Like I’m trying so hard but still don’t feel good about myself.
And the thing is, I’m not doing any of this for a man. I’m 18 and I’ve never even bought makeup because I’ve always been scared of sinning. I’ve tried so hard to stay within the limits. I only wear abayas, never pants or jeans even though I think they’re cute, because I’ve heard scholars say no. I’m really trying.
But at the same time… my mental health is getting worse. I have health issues, and honestly something as simple as smelling nice or looking put together helps me feel a little better about myself. And now I feel guilty for even wanting that.
I don’t know. I’m just tired. I want to be modest, I want to please Allah, but it’s starting to feel really heavy and confusing. Like I’m constantly scared I’m doing something wrong.
I’m sorry for the rant. I just needed to say it somewhere.