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Hi everyone!
Id just like to apologise in advance if this post is absurd, makes no sense or is written terribly, Ive never really let these feelings out and this is the first time theyre out in the world.
Like the title states, I dont know who I am anymore. I dont know who I want to be, what I want to do, whether I will ever achieve what I want, whether Im even as capable as Ive deluded myself and others into thinking. I wake up everyday wishing I had died in my sleep, I dont know how long I can carry on like this. The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that my mom needs me for emotional support.
I spent so many years building who I wanted to be and what I hoped for and in the last 1 year it has all slowly unravelled and destroyed me. I feel like the unluckiest person alive, like the universe has some sort of vendetta against me. Like every sand castle I build, no matter how small, is bulldozed by the universe within milliseconds.
I got into my dream high school and it quickly turned into a nightmare. I was getting bullied and it just fuelled my anxiety to a 100. I even ended up developing a neurological symptom because of the stress and even developed an ED.
Last September, I was used like a tool by my then best friend and crush and humiliated in a cohort wide prank mocking how unattractive I was. This was in middle of my mocks and actual A levels. I pushed through, I brushed it off. I was focusing on my goal of studying at Oxford.
Then I got rejected by Oxford, without an interview. 4 years of consistant hardwork, putting up with every challenge I faced, didnt matter, I felt directionless then too. Everything I did in the past years went to waste, I felt like an absolute failure. I had to fight with my mom to even be allowed to apply to Oxford and the humiliation and hurt that rejection caused me still stings. Something that hurt me more was the fact that when I opened the rejection letter, my mom didnt even comment on it, much less comfort me. As if I said something entirely trivial, as if my dreams werent crushed in the 5 seconds I read "I regret to inform you". When I was upset that she said nothing, she turned it on me and scolded me, said she didnt know how she was supposed to react and I was being immature for being upset by it. I still feel so much anger and resentment. I told her then too that she was probably secretly happy I got rejected bc of the cost. But I wasnt expecting my parents to pay for it anyway, I was an applicant for a government scholarship. My family is not rich in any way, shape or form and we were barely able to afford my older brothers university.I knew the money was just a guise, she really just needs me to be her therapist and Im so sick of it. Tbe worst part is she doesnt even realise how immature of a person she is and I know its a product of her time and upbringing so I shouldnt blame her but Im just so frustrated.
Regardless I held out hope that I could still get along well in life despite being an Oxford reject, I soon got my london and scottish uni offers and I started researching them and falling in love. My heart was set on 1 scottish uni, I was finally recovering from the pain of not fulfilling my dream. My life was going somewhat ok and I was feeling a bit better after like a month after the Oxford rejection. I was finally getting out of bed and living like a normal person rather than the zombie I had turned into.
And then I got my A level results, 3 grades below what I was expecting. It was like a slap, I worked day and night during my A levels. My teachers told me Id burn out but I kept pushing through and I still fcking failed miserably. I do have a place at a top 3 local uni here in my country amd I k ow I am privileged and lucky to get any uni course with my grades but still the fall from my expected AAA, and worst case scenario ABB was horrible. Especially when I was the person that all my teachers believed in, I was the one who was encouraged by my teachers to take on a uni research project alongside my A levels. I was the person who was told by my 8th grade class teacher to apply for Oxford and then encouraged by my research project supervisor too. Its not even like I was a bully or evil, if anything I was the one who was bullied, who was constantly fighting with my mom to do my extra curriculars, to go for volunterering and help others. And all I got was a sad BBB.
Thankfully, my parents werent mad at me but I felt like an absolute disappointment. I feel like I live in a wierd paradox, Ive let down people who had no high hopes for me. My dad doesnt care about academics and I always felt like my mom cared more about my brothers studies than mine. She gave him 1 to 1 attention and really focused all her time on him. Ive always felt neglected and isolated because of it. When I was 10, I actually tried to commit suicide because I felt like my mom didnt love me at all. I still feel that aay sometimes. My brothers has been a terrible child these past few years so my mom has to stuck with me but i know the second she gets to choose between spending time with me or my brother, he always comes first. Guess what happened after the attempt, I got scolded and was taunted/mocked about it for years afterwards.
Anyway, she was always against me applying to the UK because Im a girl and its "not our culture to send girls abroad alone". Yeah but it was perfectly fine to waste money on my brother who went to a RG uni and partied all the time to tbe point that he took 4 years to complete his 3 year BSc. What a joke. Same son of hers that she doted on goes across the border everyweek to go get wasted drunk and party. Meanwhile I have to ask for permission to even go to the library. It just feels so unfair to compare between my brother and I because his high school years were in a completely diff country where the education system is genuinely easier than my country which is one of the hardest ones in the world and he got all the support and love from my mom. Meanwhile Im out here acting like a showdog begging for treats for a little love. Thats not to say my mom is evil or horrible. My mom is wonderful and so amazing, I really love her, shes just not too self aware at times and thats what really frustrates me. Shes genuinely really nice and amazing though, even if shes judgy, its just because of her upbringing and the time shes from and how strict and restrictive my grandfather was.
She told me if I got into Oxbridge or any of the top 5, she'll consider it so I worked my ass off to be eligible for scholarships and the course but none of it mattered when I got my A level grades. Nothing matters anymore. She wanted me to go to a local uni and here I am tied down to this godforsaken family and ultra-competitive country where everything is a ratrace and even the people I thought were my friends enjoyed "surpassing me" after the A level results came out. Honestly, aside from my childhood friends who are probably my only real friends (I just dont get to spend time/talk to them as much), Ive always gotten the feeling that my friends in highschool thought I was inferior to them. Tne little "really, youre applying to the uk?" or the pity-laced "dont be sad about the rejection. you know only smart people get into Oxbridge".
I feel so alone. Ive always bottled up who I am, what I like, what I feel. Growing up, my family made fun of every single interest of mine so I just learned to never express /indulge in my interests in front of others. I never play music without my earphones connected even in my own room, I dont even put on my favourite shows on the TV even when Im home alone. Ive given up. At least before, it meant I knew who I was very strongly but I dont know who I am anymore. No one knows me to remind me of who I was and I dont remeber her either, like losing my passport in a dessert. I dont know what course I want to study. I know which job I want in an ideal scenario but considering the catastrophic series of events, I feel like all my hardwork is going to go to waste no matter what.
Im going to fall in love with something and then the universe will destroy it. This cycle has happened 3 times since last year Feb. Who knows maybe this is my destiny. Its happened so many times now, I have absolutely no hope that anything I want will happen in life. I used to dream about falling in love, having a successful career in what I wanted to be and being married, i dont think its in the cards for me anymore.I dont think anything is. My life is almost like a comedy, watching an absolute buffoon delude themselves and dream up castles just for them to be humbled by reality.
The course I got into at my local uni was just something vaguely related to my previous interest and I only took it because it was a safe option. Im grateful I got in, I really am bc the course requirement was above BBB but I just feel so unfulfilled.
Today I asked my dad for advice between 2 courses at 2 seperate unis and when he asked me which one I liked more, I couldnt even choose which one i hated less. I dont know anymore, all I k ow is I wish I had died before my Oxford rejection and if not then, then before my A level results.
All I remember is when I was young up till maybe 13/14, I was hell bent on being a Musical Theatre artist. I used to beg my mom for music lessons but she always said no. I managed to arrange private lessons with my school music teacher but everytime I practiced at home, my mom used to mock me. Not just for my voice but also because she thinks musical theatre music is ridiculous. Same thing with jazz. I gave up on my naive ambition once I realised I didnt stand any real chance against literally anyone else. Around the same time, my class teachers really sort of started to build me up for Oxford and that became my goal.
I miss the optimistic girl I used to be. I miss who I was when I was in love at the start of last year, when I thought that good things could happen to me, that maybe I could succeed, thinking maybe I dont have to suffer in life.I miss waking up without immediate disappointment that Im still alive.
I dont know what to do anymore. I know what I should do, I know the logical response but a part of me wants to scream at everyone and just cry as loud as I can. Part of me just wants to die a painless death. I dont know how to hold on to life, I dont think I want to hold on to it either. Im not considering anything rash, I just dont want to live anymore