I'm not sure if I'm even tagging this right, so sorry I tried but this is gonna be a mix between venting and seeking advice, I kinda just want to scream it out into the open. So please correct me if I did something wrong, sorry in advance.
So. Considering everything, I am fine, I've been in soo much worse shape and my life aswell. I've a great job, my relationship is amazing, great friends, exciting hobbies, I like living and living my life!
I don't even know why I now started cutting myself. Never had the urge to do it, when it had been a bad life to live and now I have a good life to live and I cut myself?? wtf??
And the worst thing is: I don't really understand why it's bad to self harm. Like I know it's bad bc I've been taught it is but it feels like it's bad for others and just means nothing for me, not bad not good, just blank. I've read some posts here and kinda understood why it's bad but maybe 15%. The rest is "it's not bad, this doesn't include me". It seems like my brain actively holds me from understanding.
I've realised that this probably means I need help. I've thought about telling my bf or best friend multiple times and could already imagine their reactions, their scared, worried face and I just couldn't STAND them looking like that. I can never tell them. I feel like I can never tell them. They both know soo much more horrible versions of selfharm. They know people doing harming themselves to an extent where their life got in danger, I only scratch myself it's not the same but they will think I go much more deeper than I do, does this make sense?
I don't know how to tell them I would've go back to therapy. Because they will think I am actively suicidal. And I can't use other methods (like the hair-tie-flipping-thing or so) because they know what's the use behind that, you get me??
I don't know how to get help without worrying my loved ones TOO much. I feel like this will eventually stop and I'll be fine, I just need the time to pass.
(Additional details: I only cut my hands and that very lightly. I cut them on already existing scars. It's really more like a scratch. It's all out in the visible world, they've been on vacation with me while they healed.)
Edit: To clarify the extent of the scratchs/cuts: I do it on already existing scars I've already got. Through living with cats, being more of a wild child running through the woods and stuff. It's barely bleeding honestly.