My husband feels unappreciated after going golfing on Mothers Day? Am I Crazy?
Sorry this is a long one… My (40F) husband (42M) and I have been together for 6 years and have a blended family with 4 Kids. Only 2 (16F and 15F) are left at home the others have grown up and moved out. Today for Mother’s Day my husband had to work for a few hours early but called when he got out to see if I wanted my favorite coffee in the morning. I said yes please and he headed home. When he got home I was still in bed and he brought me the coffee and then told me his plans for the day - which was to stop by his mothers house for a few to say Hi for Mother’s Day and then he planned to go golfing with his buddies around 6.
I did not say anything in the moment. But to add a little context, my husband LOVES to golf. He golfs multiple days a week and it’s truly an escape for him sometimes. I have never in our marriage to date told him he could not go golf. We also tend to be very busy on our weekends. Our jobs take us to a different state every weekend and we do not get a ton of down time together until the summer months. This weekend we were home together for the first time in MONTHS. Yesterday, a friend called him and asked for him to fill in for a golf outing and he told him yes. So he messaged me and let me know he would be golfing from around 6 to 2 and would be home after. I had responded to him to have fun and I loved him but I was disappointed that on our weekend off he chose to go golf instead of spending time with me. It wasn’t a big issue in the moment. I said my peace and we moved on. I’m never gonna beg anybody to want to be around me.
This morning when I got out of bed once I had my coffee, I had asked him to help clean up the kitchen which he agreed to do and in the mean time was outside working in the yard getting some stuff cleaned up. I had to run to the store for a last minute gift for my mom and he asked me to take our daughter with me to go pick up flowers and candy for both his mother and grandmother. Which I did gladly.
While we were at the store, my husband sends me a TikTok reel of a guy going golfing and wondering why it was so empty on a Sunday. Essentially the gist of the video was another guy explained to him that most men are probably at home with their wives and mothers since it’s Mother’s Day alluding to the fact that this man didn’t even realize it was Mother’s Day. The TikTok cuts to the guy flying home and getting home and realizing all of his stuff is on the front lawn. I responded to his text and said yeah that’s definitely you… to which he was absolutely offended and essentially said that I was being an asshole for saying that. And that it was supposed to be funny.
On top of that… on our car ride home after getting gifts for his mother and grandmother our daughter asked what her dad had gotten me for Mother’s Day. I told her in the moment that at this point, I wasn’t sure that he hadn’t given me his gift yet so I don’t know. I don’t want to badmouth my husband to our children so I was trying to be vague. She responded and said “don’t you always get him stuff for Father’s Day” and I said yes of course I always get him stuff for Father’s Day. And she said that was very rude of him not to get anything. I told her maybe he had stuff at home and it really wasn’t her place to worry and just changed the subject. To be honest when I got home, I was half expecting at least flowers in a card or something that maybe he asked me to take our daughter so that he could set up some gift or something… that was not the case.
When I got home, he told me he was getting in the shower and going to his grandmother’s house 2 hours early to be around people who loved and appreciated him… I responded completely flabbergasted and confused. And said if you did not get the context of the video you sent me… and realize you MIGHT want to be home with your wife and the mother of your children on Mothers Day and think I’m the problem in this situation then that’s absolutely fine. I told him how our daughter had asked what he had gotten me and how other people, including my parents and friends had asked what he had gotten me or done for me for mothers day and the only thing I could say in return was he didn’t get me anything but plans to go golfing at six with his buddies though so wouldn’t be home for dinner or anything. He absolutely lost it. I obviously didn’t say that to anyone… one because that’s just extremely embarrassing for both of us but two I’m a pretty private person so I try to be vague with my personal life with my family and friends.
He continued to turn the entire situation on me and said he planned to clean up the kitchen and do some yardwork outside before leaving for Golf. So that was the time I would get to spend with him for Mother’s Day. And that was my gift and that I’m saying he didn’t do anything for me for Mother’s Day and I’m ungrateful and unappreciative. I had responded and explained to him that I do chores around our house on a daily basis… not for a holiday gift. And while I appreciated the coffee in him having the kids do the dishes…. I had explained yesterday that I expected him to want to spend more time at home with me on our one weekend off… and then on top of that to just leave on Mother’s Day like that and do something for himself and nothing for me was so far beyond me.
Truly REDDIT when he sent me the video… I thought it was his aha moment of “Jesus crimeney I’m such an idiot for planning to go golfing with my buddies on Mother’s Day.” And saying he was sorry and that he would be home. And instead it essentially escalated to him saying he wanted a divorce and we clearly weren’t compatible and he would find someone who loved and appreciated him. To which I (immaturely) responded “lol wow good luck to her” which he heart reacted.
Now, after much reflection, obviously, this has blown so far out of proportion (maybe) and I’m just not sure what to do. We are not on speaking terms. Who knows if he will even come home tonight (this is not unusual when he is very mad he does need space and will stay with family for an night or two) This is necessary for him to cool off and have a more calm conversation. It usually takes about 48 hours. On one hand I LOVE the absolute heck out of this man. I do not worry about him cheating on me. And we have a mostly great relationship outside of these few blowups. And I do understand what he’s saying when he says he feels unappreciated bc he DID plan to clean up the yard. And to him he WAS doing those things for me. And to be fair, I am extremely hard to buy gifts for I work hard. I make my own money. I buy myself whatever I want. But truly, it wasn’t even about the gifts I didn’t need a Gucci purse or a $1000 spa day ..but to send me to the store to buy flowers in a card for your mother and grandmother, and not even picking any up for me on your own?!? I thought it was absolutely insanity. A five dollar heartfelt card or lord a FREE piece of paper with a heart felt letter of appreciation would have been GREAT. Or just being home and spending TIME. Unfortunately, I feel like in this moment, him turning it on himself, instead of realizing what I was trying to say to him in a very calm manner hoping he would come to his senses has just made this so much bigger of an issue. I can’t imagine my life going through a divorce and not being with him. We had always agreed in the beginning outside of infidelity, Divorce was not an option. But this is not the first time he has threatened divorce for similar reasons all of which he comes to his senses about later after I talk some sense into him. But this is getting exhausting and I just don’t know what’s worth fighting for anymore. I’m a VERY open minded person and I need some outside perspective. If I’m in the wrong I’m 100% able to own up to that. And I will. But I just feel like I need someone to tell me something I haven’t considered?!