TLDR: grief broke my adhd cognitively?
I’ve been holding out on doing this because I don’t really know how to explain it
I had a traumatic loss in my family last summer. I’d prepared much of my life for it, and being medicated a few years prior gave me a fighting chance to actually survive it. Everyone around me cowered and I stuffed down every ounce of fear to give him a fighting chance and stayed until the end. Through the summer I was numb/in shock and outsourced every bit of happiness I could find. It worked. I was never a candidate for this grief, especially when one day I noticed I had a real life now, that grief could take away.
Then a months-long situation followed that took every piece of me. It borrowed effort from reserves that were already empty or that he took with him when he passed.
I got through it. I had to. But now the ADHD monster I was afraid would catch me if I didn’t run ahead to close the door to my life is here. I don’t feel my meds. They’re just enough to make the connection that this is earth and I’m on it. Then I freeze. It’s not low reward or executive dysfunction or “I can’t-” everything is all or nothing. I was constantly trying to get ahead of my own thoughts so I wouldn’t fully register what happened- my brain is protecting me by not letting things land but it also means I can’t engage with anything else. I genuinely feel like Patrick star
If I had this many tabs open in my brain before, I’d just get at it. I enjoy bettering my life. I fought to go back to school against all odds and now I don’t even care. Missing assignments, and if I’m 10 minutes late I won’t go at all. This has been the most troubling part
I’ve been able to commit to “the stuff down” but in moments of consciousness, I’m seeing it’s more than the ’tasks.’ Like something burning my time up right now is that I no longer know how to hold onto anything. I can’t even tell you how many caps have rolled under my bed, how many things I drop.
I don’t know how to say this to a doctor. It doesn’t feel like depression- I’ve done SSRIs and therapy- my Adhd now feels like an intellectual disability. To be clear, emotionally im ok and the plan is working, the grief I’m not struggling with, but my cognition. My heart is out of my chest, yes ok, but the meds are for my brain so I didn’t expect grief to touch the adhd like this.
Has anyone been through something similar? Am I making any sense?