u/BeryyBritish

It’s the only “good” uni I live anywhere near (even then it’s like 2 hours away) and from the reviews I thought it seemed okay aside from living arrangements, but I’m not going to be living on the campus anyway. So I was pretty contented.

But I went down a bit of a rabbit hole and everyone here seems to find it a complete shithole. Can anyone here that’s been to the uni vouch? Is my life over now?? I’d really appreciate any support. It’s bad enough that I chose to study filmmaking, so if I flunk the course I think I’ll actually be done.

I was at a family gathering today and we were all going round talking about music. I don’t really share my interests very much so I was kind of being interrogated like “do you like Micheal Jackson? Do you like Prince? What about Wu Tang?” and I was like, I don’t really listen to them like that. Everyone was badgering me to say who I *did* like then, and I told them that I liked Meatloaf. No one said anything for about ten seconds, they just kind of looked at each other strange. I said, “what’s wrong with Meatloaf?” because I do sincerely like his music, and they said, “nothing, he’s just very white.”

”Okay… what does that mean?” I asked

”He just has a very white audience.” they said, “I’ve never met anyone black that likes Meatloaf.”

So I told them I liked other artists too, Elton John, David Bowie, and as I was listing these people I kind of realised I didn’t really listen to ANY black artists. (aside from Meghan Thee Stallion but I wasn’t going to say that in front of my mum lol). And then I realised I didn’t have any favourite actors who were black, or authors, and I don’t even like hip hop that much.

I was joking with them that I was whitewashed, but now I’m actually having a crisis worried that I AM whitewashed and I have some form of internalised racism. I don’t feel connected with black culture much at all. I don’t like rap. I don’t speak with AAVE, I’ve never got along with black people before and I couldn’t figure out why, but I must be too white for them, and simultanously I’m too black for white people. I’ve literally never left the UK. I don’t handle spice. I’m something else entirely and I don’t have a culture and that’s why I don’t fit in anywhere, not even in my own family. Whenever there’s a party they’re usually dancing to very black music (and I don’t even know the genre name) and I don’t join in because I find it too loud.

I‘m worried, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to become “more black.” I really am scared that I’m whitewashed.

for additional context I’m 18 years old and I was raised by my mum. Growing up I thought she was white, and therefore considered myself mixed race, but I found out at 14 that she’s actually just really light skinned and I had no idea light skinned black people existed until then. That’s how bad it is.

I’m usually a lover of psychological horror, but I’ve been having a hard time finding a book that makes me feel viscerally squeamish, be that through gore, body horror, or just fear. I’d like to dip my toes into this sub genre so any recommendations would really be appreciated!