Now for some context, I'm 17(M) and I basically live with my single mother and little sister. She had me when she was pretty young (early 20s)and I'm pretty sure I was an "accident" or whatever.
Now my mom and I have always sort of been distant in our relationship. She is a single mother working to provide for 2 kids so I understand that she's not always going to be avaliable in certain areas in my life. That's why I've learnt to be independent from a VERY young age. I used to stay home alone from age 8 pretty much the whole day. I learnt to make myself food, lock all the doors and tend to keeping the house clean. I started making my own lunches in gr3, washing my own clothes and sometimes making my own dinners.
This isn't the problem, learning to do things for yourself is a good thing. But sometimes I feel like my mother never really wanted to be my mom. Her and my dad had me when they weren't married and I'm sure you can tell by now, but he's a deadbeat. Like I only see him once every few years, he doesn't really call or text and honestly I'm fine with that because I'm used to it. But the issue comes in when my mom, the only parent I really have, doesn't act like a mom.
We barely talk about personal stuff. All our conversations are about school or family stuff. I don't know shit about her and she doesn't know shit about me. Whenever she's not at work, she's in her room or just watching movies or something. I feel like she doesn't have nay genuine interest to know me and I feel like it's hard for me to want to know her because she's lowkey judgmental. At times I would be dealing with something at school or with my friends, she would be the last person I'd think to tell because I know she'd either give me a lecture or just be unsympathetic towards my situation.
All she really cares about is making sure that my grades are good and my little sister is good, but as for me and my actual life, it's like she's completely discarded the thought of being my mother. I have friends who tell me about how they lean on their parents or how they go out with their moms and tell them stuff. But I could NEVER see myself doing that.
My point is, sometimes I feel guilty that I don't have a good relationship with her. I feel like I don't try hard enough to build something with her and for some reason, I have recently had a lot of kids at my school who have lost parents over this past year. So every time I think about her possibly dying, I think what if she leaves without us having improved our relationship. I feel like if I told her this, she'd find some way to gaslight me into thinking it's my fault. So idk what to do and I'm honestly at a point where I don't care because I'll be off to University soon and I know once I'm out of this house, our relationship will be worse off...