Backstory: me 33F and boyfriend 31M have been on and off for 3 1/2 years. I recently went up to help a family member with a surgery and gotten an accident and got a concussion and ended up having to stay with my family for 2 1/2 weeks. Over that time while up there he was calling on his way into work at 6am texting all throughout the frustrated if I wasn't responding right away or helping him through any of his breakdowns.. my family was getting angry and annoyed that he was waking me up and not letting me rest while I had a concussion, but I told them that he was just going through a lot and that he Needed me.
While I was up there, it was also my birthday and he sent me a text and called me which was nice. I told him I didn't want anything because I know that he hasn't been working for the past year and is trying to get himself out of debt then I just wanted to go somewhere or do something. It never got brought up again. This weekend is his birthday and now he wants to go somewhere for the entire weekend to do something and I'm a little salty. For the past three years every year on his birthday, he goes to Europe or California or cross country road trip and never takes me. On my birthday, which is three weeks prior he's left me alone or told me that he was cheating on me or something else. So that has a sour taste in my mouth.
Eventually, I made my way back to the town that we both lived in and it was late the first night that I got in so he came over in the next day after work. We spent the evening together and he took me out to dinner and everything was really nice and then we came back and watched some a movie and laid in bed. at the end I asked him to get off his phone 11 PM and he had to wake up at 6 AM.
wrong move. He said that he could continue talking to me and be on his phone and he could multitask. I hate phones in bed and made a strict rule for a long time of no phones in the bedroom, and no phones in the bed, but that quickly Went away. So I asked again and I wasn't being mean and I playfully was like. Can you get off your phone so that we can talk and he said we can talk I'm right here. I can do both. I said can you just put your phone down so we can go to bed and he's like what? Why can't you just talk to me while I'm on my phone and I must've said it again and then he got angry. and he said that he He spent 11 hours working and then took me out to dinner and all he wanted to do is spend some time on his phone reading Stocks because that's how he was gonna get ahead in life. And so I said OK and I rolled over and he's like he can't just leave things alone. You have to control everything you have to always be what to do when I can't do anything and I said I was allowing you to do what you wanted to do I just wanted you off your I don't like phones in the bed, but I realize that I need to not control the situation and allow you to have your own nighttime routine. While he kept going for about another 15 minutes and I kept telling him that he was right and then I apologized and eventually He rolled over and said that he can't do this anymore that he can't always be fighting with me and that I never listen to him. I said that you shouldn't have to do that and then I was sorry. We went to bed.
The next morning came and I rolled over and he was on his phone in bed and he was super somber. I told good morning and about my dream trying to lighten the mood because it was kind of funny and then I asked him how he slept and he was just lethargic and said I don't know. Then I asked him what three things he was grateful for because we've gone about doing that and he recently said that he needed to be grateful so I thought that was a good way to start the morning was staring at his phone and he said "moments of peace".
I took that as and not say anything and rolled over and started stretching my neck. him what time he had to leave and he said five minutes. He got up and showered. Then I asked him if he wanted some water with electrolytes and he said went and I got him that some breakfast bars and almonds for his work. When I came back, he was getting dressed and tried to say something, but he was just around the room. Then he started walking out and I said don't you want those and he said I'm just gonna go and out the
at work about an hour later, he called me and said that What's the travel the world with me and that he can't do all the fighting because he barely has anything for himself or work for me and he stretched really thin right now because he's doing a physical labor job. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I want to hear perspective because I know that we're all blind to our own shortcomings and I would like to be a good partner.
so AITAH for asking him to get off his phone?