u/Beneficial-Guava6437

TW: child related content, sex offenders, suicidal ideation

Hey

I'm looking for a support group (UK) for families of sex offenders, particularly viewing hentai images of very very young children & graphic written stories.

Adding that already away of StopSO & Lucy, one is closing their forum and one doesn't seem to be sending me the verification email.

I am not going great and keep crying and losing time, I've got several kids with him and an ex partner. My mental health has completely obliterated and I'm running on default right now, so I keep loosing whole days. I just can't remember them. And then all I do is cry.

And I think I'm supposed to leave and I said I would but I don't think it is was real photos? I chased police again because it is we heavily implied that he viewed content his daughter's age and neices age and specifically looked like them and the police man was shocked when he found out his daughter's age and what she looked like and I keep spiralling.

I just keep crying. I can't stop. It's all the time. He said he never viewed real images but I'm scared he's lying considering I lied about when I "first found it", apparently I had blwcked it out. And he then admitted to the same year I lied about. I only saw it for the first time last year but I lied and bet on 2023 and he said "probably 2023".

The stories he was reading had the same descriptions and sounded like family members, same ages, similar names or same names or no names but all the same descriptions. I think that is why I didn't black it out this time? Or maybe it was less bad because it wasn't the graphic hentai images. I couldn't get the pictures out of my head since I started remembering. But the last week I just keep blanking everything out again.

I just need a support group with someone who's gone through this. I have therapy, it's not the same, I want someone who's been in my situation.

I've lost everything handing him in and it's not... I just can't keep my thoughts straight where I keep tunnel vision into fear and I'm just a mess and everyone thinks I'm fine but I'm really not fine. I just want to disappear.

It's triggered my MH so badly I'm calling Samaritans regularly and having to calm myself down because it's triggered my suicidal ideation and I don't want my kids to end up in care or without parents.

I appreciate this is a lot and I do seek support but I just don't have anyone to speak to about this and I still think he's lying to me.

CW: Child porn, Unalive attempt stuff

Editing to add, he's also in hospital ATM for an unalive attempt and idk if he's okay, no one will tell me since I guess it's my fault as I was asking questions and then he asked me where his iPad was.. I might not sound it but I'm a mess over all of this. I don't want him to hurt himself, I just wanted him to get help as I know he would have just avoided, still done it, and covered it up.

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A few weeks ago I gave police my partner's... I guess ex partners.. device for content relating to minors.

There were some written, graphically, stories sounding like people we know, on a website. They asked me if he had written them, idk. They sounded like the kids from our lives... Mirrors... If he didn't write them, I feel he sought them out for that and that scared me.

He also had a lot of hentai pages up... It was bad. Ages 6 - 10. And it all came back to me. I've not told his family I remember seeing worse, ages 3-4yrs. I cannot get the images out of my head. There was some really bad stuff. Mostly girls, some of both.

None of them are speaking to me, I understand why but I am also feeling punished for his choices. We have kids together, he's not allowed to see them rn because of children's services / common sense.

I'm really struggling with the guilt. I know I did the right thing, but I don't feel like I did. I've lost my whole support net, everyone hates me. It's brought up childhood trauma I shut out - I am a survivor of a lot, and that happened to me... A lot. By a lot of different people. It can't be changed now, and it just meant I grew to be overly protective over other kids.

I've joined support groups I'm waiting to be accepted on. Samaritans. Victim support. Therapy. Waiting on local meet groups, for grief. I've known him since I was 19.

He blamed me. Related it to me. Was miserable and "in a dark place" being with me. I thought at least he was happy in the beginning, I guess not.

I lied and said I think I saw it while pregnant with our son (1yo). Except it wasn't. I saw it when pregnant with our daughter (4mo). Just prior to back then, when we separated. I guess I blocked it out as I was dealing with a lot at the time, I do remember telling myself it was "just porn". I think when I first found it - before seeing what it was - I was having a giggle and thinking I could tease him about it. Then that. And I remember thinking, I need to speak to him about this. Maybe he opened them by mistake? Maybe it was a pop up? And I guess I couldn't handle it, as I just closed it and forgot.

And then again, later while pregnant... I remember seeing the tabs and recognising the website and just turning it off.

I don't understand why I did that.

This time, I think I only remembered and reacted as they had the same name as a child we know - I asked him if she's safe. A lot of drama since then.

I am grieving heavily over this. Badly. I feel like I ruined our lives, his families lives. Everyone hates me because I reported it when they asked me not to. And even more because I said I don't regret reporting it, after *remembering what I repressed for a generation* my own CSA. Which, was a lot, and lots of people.

He called my trauma a fetish.

I just... No matter how many times I tell myself I did the right thing - and I'm waiting for police to call me again, the specialist team... As the normal side called me and already told me it's really bad, and he will be getting charged... Followed by "jesus christ" when they asked for his daughter's age and details and I told them...

I've hurt his family and traumatised them and tbh they didn't really like me to begin with and kind of just tolerated me, but now my children are being punished because of me.

The family aren't allowed to be with the kids unsupervised, apparently they're not handling it well and tried to use their ex job status... The officer said that won't change things, they don't care about that.

I didn't want him charged or his life ruined, because I appreciate it's absurd but I love (loved?) him. I've known him years. But I also know he would never have got help and would have hidden it better.

I'm scared there's actual children photos VS hentai and written stuff.. he said it was only the latter two, but next thing you know he's in hospital.

I feel very alone, and all I do is cry. Single mum of 4, now. My parents both died.

I just... What do you even do with this? Everyone's angry at me for not staying. I'd risk losing custody of my older two boys, to their father, if I stayed. And so if course I'm prioritising my children. I even found a childminder as I've not had a repreive in weeks, and like I said, all I do is cry. Or can't sleep (going to ask GP for sleeping pills).

If it's "only" graphic cartoons... And they were awful. He even specified "the violence wasn't what he was interested in"... Is it still really bad? Would he have worked his way up to real images? He insists he would never hurt a child but *I do not know this person anymore* and he has repeatedly lied since.

I now have to do double therapy, too, because of the repressed stuff resurfacing.

Do women stay? Why? How? You've got kids... Surely it wouldn't work?

I have so many questions and I honestly feel so alone and lost my whole support group, my future, my best friend, my partner. No one wants to see our kids.

Tonight I cried for an hour to Samaritans, and then victim support, and even my therapist. I just keep being hit by waves of grief, anger, loss. I feel like he died.

Can someone please tell me when this will stop? Did I really do the right thing if it's "just cartoons" and "just written stories"? I didn't want to ruin his life or his families. They may not have liked me, but I did love his family. I feel especially bad for his brother who I essentially trauma dumped on to force him to block me, because I was hurt and angry as everyone keeps telling me he wouldn't do these things *but they don't know that, none of us knew he was looking at this*.

I also have the conflict of how he's always had issues with me talking to / befriending his brother, and then the past few weeks got even weirder... I tried to give him a heads up that he's not thinking straight and to duck if he thinks he might get punched, I upset him as he just probably thought I was claiming my ex was abusive... I wasn't, he was all green flags from womens aid (yeah apparently green flags mean nothing). I'd never accuse someone falsely of domestic abuse, anyway.

He kept mentioning him in person and via messages, I guess where he's insecure after ^ this has been found out. He didn't know yet, that id given the iPad to the police. Or idk, denial I guess.

Then he was over a few days ago for a supervised visit and started making digs about his brother again, including how my dog seems to like him more, "she must like the broody type" and looked directly at me. And I shut it down with jokes about my brother being the same star sign, and that's just how they are.

I purposely pushed his brother away and trauma dumped, because he is a nice person (or I think so) and I don't want some weird dynamic thing happening, or accusations. I even gave the Christmas present his brother gave me, back. And I loved that stupid toy. I just didn't want it to be a thing.

But ultimately I'm just... Traumatised, grieving, I feel alone.

Can someone please guide me through this or fix this or i don't even know. I just can't stop crying and I've got no support. Everyone has either cut me off and making me feel I've done an awful thing by reporting it... Or they've told me I'm wrong and should have covered it up and stood by him.