My husband (separated) admitted he stopped being intimate with me because he no longer found me attractive
My husband (37M) and I (31F) recently separated. I initiated it due to lack of intimacy and feeling unsupported while I managed our finances and logistics in our marriage. In NC we have to wait a year living separately before being able to file for divorce.
Yesterday, in an emotional state, I asked him again why he had stopped being intimate with me.
For over a year I questioned myself constantly. I asked him multiple times during our marriage if he just wasn’t attracted to me anymore, and every single time he reassured me it had nothing to do with me. He always said it was his stress, meds, mental health, etc.
This time he told me he had stopped finding me attractive and that my body wasn’t the same as when we first started dating. Hearing that shattered me, but what hurt the most was how matter-of-fact he was about it. He wasn’t saying it to hurt me, but just to be honest. Part of the loss of attraction was also because I wasn’t as active anymore, due to dealing with significant drops in energy levels caused by my medication, chronic pain in my shoulder, and I was recently diagnosed with PCOS.
The cruel irony is that I actually used to feel okay about my body. I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life. Growing up, I was always underweight, and it wasn’t until college that I even hit triple digits. He knew this and knew I was trying to gain weight. Throughout our marriage I’ve had success in gaining some weight, I’m now 137lbs, size 4/6, and I felt a lot better about myself, despite being a tiny bit self conscious about my bloated tummy.
Now I feel disgusting in my own skin.
I can’t stop replaying his words in my head. I look in the mirror differently now. I feel embarrassed for every time I tried to initiate intimacy or wanted reassurance. I feel stupid for believing him when he told me it wasn’t my appearance.
I know attraction can change and I know people can’t force how they feel. Rationally, I understand that but emotionally, I feel completely devastated.
The hardest part is I don’t really have anyone close to talk to about this. He was my best friend. He was the one I would go to. I feel incredibly alone. Last night I spiraled so badly that I actually felt worried I was going to hurt myself.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for by posting this. I just feel broken.