So I (26F) met my now boyfriend (35M) a couple of years ago while playing a game. We hit it off, and shortly after meeting we started dating. It's a long distance online relationship, so we've never met face to face.
I have always been, and will always be upfront about the fact that I'm currently overweight. I have no intention on catfishing anyone, so he has known for the entire relationship that I'm heavy.
He doesn't want me to be though.
A while back he had me start working out for 2 hours every weekday, but he hasn't really made much comments about my diet. I'm grateful for that because I clearly have a very unhealthy relationship with food, and the topic is very sensitive for me.
He has asked me to weigh myself every month.
He also never fails to ask me every day if I've worked out.
Now.. I want to try to lose weight with or without him in my life, but it's just a hurtful reminder that he'll never truly love me until I'm thin enough for his tastes. He admitted himself he prefers thinner girls.
He tells me he loves me like.. a hundred times a day, but it's hard for me to ever really believe him when I know deep down if he saw the fat girl that was on the other side of the screen, he'd probably leave me immediately.
I've been too afraid to send him any photos of myself, because I know he doesn't like fat girls. I honestly avoid taking any photos of myself period due to how ashamed I am of my body.
I don't know why exactly I'm posting this, maybe to get some advice? I'm bottling up all of these hurt feelings, because I don't want to inconvenience him.. He accidentally hurts my feelings a lot though. He's made negative comments towards other fat people/characters before, which is always just a slap in the face.
Sometimes I think.. because he's never seen me before that he deludes himself into believing I'm this cute, small girl, but I'm not. Today we even had a little conversation about that, and I broke down crying by the end of it.
He's never outright mean about my weight, and he doesn't belittle me or anything, but he makes it crystal clear that he wants a smaller woman.. and I'm worried that I'll never be able to lose enough weight for him.. I've always struggled with weight loss.
He seems to love everything about me.. minus my size.. and.. I don't know, it just hurts knowing that.