My older sister and her husband have been married about 8 years. We’ve always had a great relationship, she’s been a role model to me and I owe her a lot.
I met her husband properly at the wedding and liked him. He clearly loves her and treats her well. We didn’t spend much time together after that since they live abroad. A short post-COVID visit was mostly fine.
The next time I visited alone (a grad gift trip), things changed. Towards the end, I had a small accident that was entirely my fault. The shoes I wore weren’t suitable for the terrain, and he told me to change them. My sister gave me a pair, but they were uncomfortable, so I switched back. They were fine for most of the trip, but a week before I left, I slipped while taking out the trash (the step was wonky and wet because of the rain) and sprained my ankle. My sister had to help me until I left, and I felt awful.
But he kept giving me shit about not listening. I get that I probably deserved some of it, but it didn’t stop. I couldn’t wait to go home, both because I felt like a burden and to stop hearing it.
Later, when my sister got pregnant, my mom and I went to help. I was determined not to mess up. But on day one, I stumbled carrying suitcases and he called me a liability.
Then it kept going. I took care of their cats, did groceries, errands, and chores. I felt like I was helping and pulling my weight. But small things would set him off. The baby came early, and my mom and I oversaw some construction. I work in construction, so I handled it properly and everything went smoothly. But he kept saying things like “if you mess this up, I’ll take away your degree,” which didn’t feel like a joke. I barely slept from stress.
Another time, there was a beeping sound all day and no one could figure it out. We both thought it was the smoke alarm, but I realised it was the carbon monoxide alarm. Instead of just fixing it, he went off about how long it took, calling me useless and saying I should have figured it out earlier, even though he hadn’t. He told me to change the batteries immediately, and I went out in the cold to get them because I was scared of what he’d say.
For the rest of the trip, I walked on eggshells, constantly trying to be useful or stay out of his way. I’m usually not great with babies, but honestly the baby was pretty chill. Dealing with him was much harder. I decided to just deal with it and avoid him rather than create tension for my sister. I thought maybe this was due to new parent stress, but it’s ongoing.
Now I’m moving to the same country for a postgraduate degree. My dad planned to come help me settle in, but my sister suggested she, her husband, and the baby could come instead. I don’t want that.
I’m not usually stressed, but this is really getting to me. He is a good person otherwise and treats my sister well, which is why I hesitate to say anything. I feel like she’d be the one affected.
Edit: To everyone in the comments saying he might be treating my sister like this too - that is absolutely not the case. Someone in the comments put it very well, but he only started acting like this after I sprained my ankle and my sister had to look after me. He's likely worried that I'm being a burden on my sister and just wants to protect her peace. He's just doing it in a mean way.