My [27F] boyfriend [29M] goes through my phone regularly and says he trusts me but not "other people's intentions" -- how do I bring this up without it turning into me defending myself?
Been together two years. He's generally kind and things are mostly good, but there's a pattern that's been sitting wrong with me and I haven't been able to shake it.
He regularly picks up my phone and goes through my messages. Not in an accusatory way -- it'll happen casually while we're watching TV or he'll ask me to show him a conversation. When I tried to talk about it once he said he doesn't distrust me at all, he just doesn't trust other people's intentions toward me. He frames it as being protective.
I've never given him any reason to doubt me. Some of my friends have said I'm lucky to have someone who cares that much. But that framing has never quite sat right with me even though I can't fully articulate why.
The problem is every time I try to bring this up it ends with me somehow justifying why I deserve privacy rather than actually talking about whether this is okay. He's good at reframing things.
How do I have this conversation in a way that keeps the focus on the actual issue instead of getting turned into a conversation about whether I'm hiding something?