For context : Me and my bf have been together for 3 years and have been in a LDR relationship for the last 7 months. I have never been to a night out with my girls before and there is a festival happening with all my favorite songs and my friends are going, they asked me as well and I said yes and bought tickets. My bf has always been very insecure about me going out at night outs so I never really pushed for it as well because I know his insecurities come from the fact his mom cheated on his dad, and that scar remains. Initially he would even dislike me going to bars or house parties alone as well but I pushed for it and kept reassuring him whenever I did go out late which wasn't many times since I also have my part-time job and university to study for so after working for so long and since it is my final semester before everyone moves out I really want to live my college life.
This festival I plan on going with my friends I had been there before 3 years ago and I had a shit experience because the crowd was very bad and uncomfortable, he was there as well and he saw for himself because I started crying in that festival. Now, it has been 3 years none of my friends had gone till we decided again to go now as we are older and promised we won't drink because we truly just want to go and enjoy music and be with each other.
Ever since I got tickets I have always been worried to tell him because of his reaction so he said I want to come visit you on XY date (which is when I have the festival) , turns out at this date he was planning to come visit and surprise me because we have a 5 day break (we both work outside of doing our studies and haven't seen each other in like 5 months and after this break we don't have any time till November to meet due to commitments). And me being a people pleaser said yes you should come I want to go to this festival let's go together. I realistically thought about how not right it is (Him coming with my friends isn't an option because he doesn't like them nor do they (again very long story and context but there are ego clashes) and plus my best friend also has a boyfriend but she is coming by herself). Long story short, he literally has been sobbing and crying saying how broken he is if he sees me go to this party because of how shit my experience was before and how I don't respect him and his boundary (he said you can go to any other party just please don't go to this one I don't want you to go without me) and when he was crying I never became angry , I was there for him but I also put my foot down that hey I know I told you to come but I explained to him it was because I felt worried about your reaction but if other girls can go without their boyfriends so can I. Then he said he just wants to be there if I really want to go because he doesn't feel comfortable with me going alone to that place and how I should consider that. I told him it wouldn't be a problem for me if he came as long as I get to spend time with my girls as well.
Another issue here is that my friends want to pre with a group of friends which I really don't want to go with and I had already mentioned to them if that is the case then we can just meet at the festival together (I have another group of friends I can pre with) or me and my group of friends just pre/get ready all together (5 girls) and then we enter the party. The group of friends don't really like the idea of this but since the party is in a while we will decide a bit near date. So he books his tickets and I told him this pre -game situation and told him if we 5 girls decide to just pre-game by ourselves then let's meet inside the festival and I asked him if he can ask some of his friends (we used to live in the same city so he has many friends who might be going to the festival) to join him inside and then we can have fun together and we leave the party together. He cannot stay with me because I live with a roommate and we made a promise to not have our boyfriends sleep over until and unless one of us isn't at home. So he knows that he will have to pay for hotels which he is upset about because I cannot ask my roommate if she is going back home on that break and plus in my head she pays equal amount rent you know I can't just ask her hey when are you leaving because my boyfriend is coming over. This is because another thing bothering me is that my roommate (who is one of the person in the group of friends that I am going with) has expressed her hurt because she has mentioned in the last 2 years I have cancelled on her and I have been making it up for her ever since she always expressed her desire to go to parties with me and I gave her vague answers because to be honest at those times I really didn't feel like going to parties , but again I tried making it up with her by never cancelling on her plans after and when she went to a house party I wanted to go with I even left early because she didn't feel like it while I was having the time of my life and I paid for the taxi as well. She and my bf really aren't big fans of one another and I am very very worried that if I bring it up with her she will just see me as the boyfriend pleaser girlfriend).
Before doing LDR there was a period of time where we had broken up because he was really not in a good mental health position and he would be extremely moody and started depending on smoking , I had lost myself at this point because my whole world revolved around him and I kept cancelling on my friends so I did get a really bad reputation because of that as someone who is always putting her boyfriend first. I gave a condition if he doesn't start therapy and start improving himself and proving himself to me I won't date him again and he did do all of these things. During our LDR I began to start building better relationships with my friends as well because I believe female friendships are equally as important and also just really started to figure out who I am as a person outside of the relationship. We did have disagreements during the LDR as well because where he moved he didn't really put in effort to build friendships or go out because of his past traumas surrounding this but then when we were fighting about me going to the festival he said "I sacrificed my friendships and not going to house parties because of respect for this relationship" and I didn't really get his point because I never asked him to and I was going to house parties as well so can he right ?
He has told me this already that he has always been insecure about me because of his parent's relationship dynamics and I know it is easy for some people to mention hey that isn't your problem and burden to deal with and I completely agree which is why I told him to get therapy. He got better at trusting me as well because look I am also in my 20s you know I have a life to live of my own and my partner should not control what I can or cannot do. Now I am in this messed up situation where I have no idea what to do, I know my group of friends would firstly just be so shocked about what is he doing at this party I can probably just explain to them that we haven't seen other in almost 5 months and to be fair it sounds so cowardly of me but I was a little scared of going to the festival even after 3 years after what had happened and I am not sure if the group of friends I am going with will understand this since I willingly bought the tickets myself and was reminiscing about how fun it would be to go so I do find a little bit of comfort knowing he is there BUT I want to also spend some time with my group of friends if we do figure out our pre-game situation.
He feels really hurt because he thinks I am putting my friends above my own self because I am trying to show to them that look I can be this fun person and go to this festival and him as well (which I don't per se agree with because I had already made plans with him before he wanted to come). He feels hurt because he feels insecure, replaced, and not prioritised and it feels like he wants to feel chosen first, no matter what and I want to feel free and not constantly adjusting. I told him this will start to increase resentment in me because he wouldn't let me make my own choices as well and this isn't healthy for the long-term. I just want to find a middle group where my boyfriend adjusts to my plans with my friends and where my friends also try and understand the fact that I am getting to see him after so long.
I really don't want to hurt or choose one over the other and it might not seem like a big deal reading this but I don't want to hurt anyone or choose anyone, is it that hard to choose one over the other. He is wrong for wanting me to leave everything behind for him and I am going to put my foot down and tell him to adjust but also how do I communicate with my friends about this in a way where I don't seem like I am choosing him over them?