Hello, I’m sorry if this will sound like some random rambling, but I just want to get this out of my system.
So as the title says, I don’t think I am able to feel love and honestly it feels so draining since I always see others being in love and they seem so happy. And yes of course, before anyone says anything, I understand that love comes with challenges, but even then it’s still much better than having no love in your life whatsoever.
I can feel admiration, and I can feel sexual desire, but that’s really all about it. I don’t know what love is, I don’t know how it feels like to “fall in love” or to be so obsessed over a person that you still hold onto that feeling even after you’ve broken up. And I’ve never dated once, I’ve gone out with girls and hang out with them, but again, I stopped in the middle because I always have this thought of “what’s the point?”.
And I’m not sure that this is the exact reason, or if it’s only one of in a series of reasons, but in the past, I did love one person, and that was my mother. I relied on her heavily, especially emotionally, I thought of her as perfect, due the naivety of the child that I was. But then something happened between us and in the family, and to put it simply, she absolutely crushed all of my illusion of her being the perfect parent. It was like I was interacting with a whole different entity, someone that I didn’t recognize. So maybe it’s because of that.
But whatever the case may be, it feels like I’ve closed my heart, it feels like I’ve conditioned myself to not expect too much from others, and maybe that is my brain’s way of shielding myself. But it gets draining and depressing over time. I feel so alone, so unloved, so worthless. I just want to get out of this hell, but I’m afraid that if I do, I will be put in a place worse than the one I’m currently in, and perhaps I won’t be able to crawl back up out of this one like I did when I had suicidal ideations back in middle school.