apologies in advance idk how coherent this is
ive thought since i was about 13 that i was trans -- originally thought nonbinary, then ftm, then various nonbinary labels. for the last 3+ years i've returned to just nonbinary because gender is confusing and weird, and partly because of this dysphoria issue.
ive thought since i was about 13 that i was trans/nb. i used to get a decent amount of 'dysphoria' mostly around my chest, but in the last few years i've had basically zero dysphoria despite the fact that i havent transitioned in any way -- i grew my hair long again, no hormones or surgery, my family still use my birth name for me, no major wardrobe changes even.
i've been wondering / doubting recently if it ever really was dysphoria, or maybe just a sensory issue thing that i eventually got used to? (i'm autistic)
i remember whenever i felt 'dysphoric' my main thing would be trying to move my arms away from my chest so they weren't touching in any way. assumed it would be because it reminded me they exist and that i'm afab, but maybe it was just the sensation of things touching my arms that i wasnt used to yet? i dont exactly LOVE them now, but i don't have any problems with them either. theyre fine and i dont try to bind in any way -- i have briefly tried tape and it does feel kinda enjoyable/nice, but then the actual sensations of tape kinda suck so i took it off quickly.
i used to also be 'dysphoric' about hair, voice, name, pronouns, etc, but those havent stuck around either. i cut my hair short a few years ago but then discovered i HATED hair in my face so it's grown all the way back out again. name and pronouns are complicated becaude my family know but dont use them (transphobic dad), i did use them at school but barely interacted with people and now that i've graduated and have no, i dont hear my preferred name or pronouns ever.
hearing my birth name and she/her dont really annoy me that much. but i also wonder if maybe that's just because i got used to hearing it + ive maybe unconsiously repressed the dysphoria somehow since i know there's nothing i can do about it?
i dont see myself as a girl really. but i also struggle to imagine myself in the future committing/transitioning to male or as nonbinary. it all seems unrealistic and wrong
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i know you don't necessarily need dysphoria to be trans, but i'm still confused about it all. i used to think i was experiencing dysphoria, so where did it go? or was it never dysphoria at all? anyone else experience anything like this?