I don't know, i'm not sure if this is all related the only one time i suffer from this, and to be fair i didn't even think too much of it as sexual assault.
Like, the time it happened we were the same age and classmates at Elementary school, and- never scalated to straight up rape, it was just rought touches on legs, breast and butt, but never ever rape. It really hurted me but it wasn't as bad as an actual assault, yet it really hurted me at that time.
And yet somehow, after that i have been looking trought something like that or worse could happen again to me, i'm not sure why, i know Is gross and- disgusting and- decastating for the víctim.
I just feel like I wished it would happen again, like idk
That time it happened it was not because i could be pretty enought to be abused in words ways, i mean if they we're like that it was because it was funny doing all of that to the ugly girl at school.
I know rape doesn't depends on aparience but i often find myself to think, AM i really that disgusting looking that no one, Even the most gross people on earth would get close to me, if i was never harassed after that, does it mean i was always a disgusting looking child?
Why the hell i have spend My whole childhood and- teen years putting myself in dangerous situations just to be hurted that way? Why the hell i feel jelaous of other girls being groomed and abuses?
AM i really that disgusting? Am I not worth enought? Why i am even looking validation trought sexual assault?!!!
I feel disgusting