Husband feels Blindsided
I (39f) have been married to my husband (40m) for 14 years. No marriage is easy but it has been hard. He has a lot of past trauma and alcoholism that has affected us but would never go to therapy. A week ago I told him that I wasn’t happy and needed space. I have felt lost and alone due to his unmanaged severe ADHD (diagnosed a year ago) and the responsibility I feel over his happiness (codependency). I have given so much that I hardly know who I am anymore. I told him I think we need to live more separately while I work through my own issues in therapy (confidence, codependency, and I also want to rule out hormonal factors like PMD and perimenopause and am trying new meds) and that he should work on himself as well since we both agreed the relationship feels toxic. I told him I was unsure about the marriage, as we had talked about incompatibility and divorce before. We have tried couples counseling but nothing changed.
He agreed to things and has finally scheduled an individual therapy appt. I have moved some of my things into the guest suite upstairs. It’s been a rough week getting used to it. I know he feels very alone as the dogs prefer to stay with me. He randomly asked me if I was cheating via text one day, no of course not.
Then tonight, he asks me “are we in a trial separation?” My reply was “yes” and he completely lost it. He said he had no idea and that he was devastated. Told me the whole thing is completely selfish. He seems more angry and sad about me potentially leaving him than when he thought I was cheating. He talked about killing himself and “all the work he’s “put into the house and the lawn”.
But of course, I am avoidant-attachment and every time he makes me feel guilty I rethink. When I am alone and clear with my thoughts, I feel differently.
Could I have approached the topic of separation differently? Probably, but I wasn’t an asshole about it and I’ve also never done this before. What is the right way to do it? He knew that I wasn’t happy because we had talked about it. All I know is that I can’t continue the toxic cycle of believing he will change.