I used to treat everyone horribly for years. I've been changing and the mistreatment to others has been fading until pretty recently when I realized I wasn't such a horrible person anymore, but for some reason I still think I treat everyone horribly. I make costly mistakes that impact other people (emotionally, physically, hell, even financially). I've been a jerk to everyone around me and I really regret it but I dont know how to make it stop gnawing at my heart.
I also have quite few quality friends so it can get pretty lonely.
There's also the fact that Im stuck in a system where I have no freedom at all and Im always around unstable people and being the only stable-minded guy in the room that carries people's mental health is awful. I barely have free time.
Also, I struggle a lot with romantic relationships since I met someone that treated his partner like the only thing in the world that matters and he adressed me with hate. It happened 8 months ago, but I still can't let go. I find it difficult to trust anyone of the opposite gender since it reminds me that if I put them on a pedestal, I invalidate everything else I've built (and it took a lot of effort to build those things, so I care a lot about it).
I've had experiences where I was on the receiving end of attack when I was young from a caretaker and it marked me for life. I nearly got choked. Mix that with whatever the hell my past experiences are and you get my current situation. I dont neccesarily need a therapist, just advice on how to get over all of this.