How to deal with my internalized racism when the black people I connect with tend to always be bitter
Before I start PLEASE be nice. I’m not a troll, a self-hater, and I do have a therapist. This is pretty vulnerable for me so it hurts when I occasionally post asking understanding from my race and get cursed at or dunked on
….
I (27M) grew up in suburban, wealthy, and very white areas all the way till college. I think I made up probably 1 out of 5 black people at my private high-school (Scottsdale, AZ). I lived around no black people except one black best friend, so I was almost never around black communities except my Nigerian family.
I dealt with casual racism from peers of authority figures all my childhood and because I was super awkward and wanted to fit in, instead of fighting every battle, I took it to the chin and laughed at myself instead. I was Nigerian so jokes about me sucking at basketball or being into rap didn’t hit me at a “cultural core”
I still guilt about encouraging it growing up out of fear of being further alienated or being clocked as “the angry black guy” (among other traumatic life experience) hence my likely internalized racism and me feeling more comfort able with white people.
So I try to approach it more black communities and make more black friends in my city. But when I mention some interests (alt-rock music, traveling, snowboarding, etc.) or act natural I get called “corny” or “talk to white”, “that’s not black”. I feel alienated. Or when I bring black friends to my white majority neighborhood in my city they bitterly talk about all the white people or deem every slight as racism. I’m not trying to ignore race divides, but I don’t want to feel like “injustice” needs to be called out when I’m just trying to have a fun time.
I feel like I’m being convinced by the black people I meet that I don’t belong in my black communities or reminded how I apparently don’t fit it in in my white communities which sucks because I’ve been feeling pretty comfortable in my new city with my white friends.
I know not all the black community is a monolith, but I feel insecure now with my personal identity and feel it’s weird or shameful that I relate more with my white friends. It’s almost like my internalized racism is being encouraged. Any advice?
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EDIT: I appreciate a lot of people feedback. Just to say, there's a big stretch of my life between when I was a teenager to being a late 20s man living in a big east cost city. I've learned to be more fully myself (at least as much as we can do) through therapy, physical hobbies, and changes of environment.
I'm still working on stuff, but I've just gained an effective assertive communication style to address the occasional comment and racist acts that I feel is indeed warranted. Also highly recommend this book for anyone going through similar situations as me in addressing racist boundary breaking while still maintaining respect. It REALLY helped me (https://www.amazon.com/Art-Everyday-Assertiveness-Boundaries-Control/dp/1983449431/ref=tmm\_pap\_swatch\_0)